


I've Loved You All Along

by mooncow



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Art museum, Blow Jobs, College Parties, Conan Gray Inspired, Drunk Sex, F/M, Feelings Realization, Hand Jobs, Kenma in a maid fit, Kenma is Rich, M/M, Mouth Fucking, Mutual Pining, Sexual Fantasy, Smut, Social Anxiety, Song: Heather (Conan Gray), Touch Aversion, UCLA inspired, based on Kid Krow, kodzuken
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-12 00:33:36
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 37,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29876367
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mooncow/pseuds/mooncow
Summary: Kozume Kenma is starting his first year of university. In this nonlinear tale, Kenma navigates his feelings for his best friend in a new place with new people. His world was shaped by Kuroo for so long, how will he manage if he slips through Kenma’s fingers?
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou, Kuroo Tetsurou/Original Female Character(s)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 13





	1. 1. Comfort Crowd

**Author's Note:**

> This piece is dedicated to the one, the only @byetetsu who has been a dear friend and faith proofreader all through this process. Not sure what I would do without you, so please take this offering of Kuroo content for the largest Kuroo-simp I know <3 Also there's a character... let's be real lowkey two characters based on you, so have fun projecting. 
> 
> BEFORE READING, this whole piece takes place over the course of approximately a year and a couple months (from September through a year and then to January). This is my first attempt at nonlinear storytelling, so yeah… yikes. Anyway, hope you can follow :) 
> 
> Notes on ages: I aged down Kuroo and Kenma one year. In this au, Kuroo and Noya are the same age and Kenma and Hinata are the same age.
> 
> This work is based on the album Kid Krow by Conan Gray. Give it a listen if you want (I recommend, but not necessary). Its my favorite album of all time and I really tried to capture the feelings he portrayed in this beautiful, soul wrenching album. He's also my fav UCLA alumn.
> 
> This is very much based on my experience as a college student as well. So for all of you who haven't gotten to experience it yet, I'd say this is a pretty accurate representation, especially if you have some anxiety or depressiony types things and are in kind of unhealthy relationships. Oof well anyway, please enjoy another humble contribution to the fandom. 
> 
> Last note (I keep forgetting things), I'm also a big ATLA fan, so see if you can spot my references :))
> 
> Epilogue coming!!!

September - Five months ago

Kenma flops onto his new bed dramatically. It creaks painfully under his weight. Finally, a moment of silence. The bustle of moving into his college dorm finally ended. With tearful goodbyes from his mother and a curt word from his father, his parents finally left him alone. Completely alone. He looks up at the honey-colored wood of the top bunk. A subtle wood grain seems to be etched along its surface. Kenma lifts his legs up and kicks at the holes where the exposed mattress of the top bunk peaks through. His sock-covered toes knick blue synthetic fabric and the roughly cut wood.

His mother had pushed his hair out of his face and pinched his cheek while telling him not to forget to eat tearfully before leaving. Kenma didn’t particularly like hugs, but she really looked like she needed one. He hugged her before leaving and his dad gave him a hand shake. Kenma snorted a little to himself at the memory and let his legs flop back down onto his bed, jostling himself a little. He closes his eyes and tries to find a moment of peace, but his thoughts begin to wander to Kuroo. His heart begins to beat too loudly, disturbing his quiet. Kenma groans and tries to get up, hoping to leave his thoughts in his new bed.

“Already?” Kenma mumbles to himself. He goes to stand. His vision blurs and his head throbs.

“Too fast,” Kenma plops back down for a minute with his head between his knees. His hair flops over his face. The ends are still bleached from high school. I can unpack, I guess.

Kenma stands slowly this time and surveys the room. A bunkbed and a loft, three desks, and numerous cabinets fill the tiny room. Its blue gray carpet looks disheveled. Kenma makes a mental note to avoid the ominous dark spot under the window. Hinata completely moved in, since he and the other athletes moved in weeks before the general student body. Photographs and posters adorn his desk and encircle his loft bed. Kenma looks over to his side of the room. They were lucky enough not to have a third roommate, despite the extra bed and desk. A couple boxes of his still remain unpacked. Kenma wanders off to open what’s left. Kenma pulls a hair tie off his wrist, tying back his hair into a lazy bunch. Strands fall into his face as he begins removing an assortment of clothes, books, and other essential items, placing them on the desk in assigned piles in front of his monitor. Kenma tucks a strand of loose hair behind his ear. He shivers to himself and tries to avoid those memories a little longer. With the box now emptied, Kenma collapses it and tosses the box onto his bottom bunk. He begins piling shirts into the drawers under the bed.

Despite his efforts to keep himself busy, only his hands remain occupied. Kenma’s thoughts drift again to Kuroo. A carefree smirk, sharp eyes, and… Kenma shakes his head and stares fervently at the t-shirt he is folding. Last year without Kuroo was miserable. Without Hinata and volleyball, Kenma would have been completely lost. Even now, Kenma misses Kuroo as much as ever. Inseparable. That’s how they were always described, by parents, friends, and teammates. Always together since they first met. Being away from Kuroo is pain itself. Kenma tries to shake the feeling and get out of his head. He finds himself reliving a day from a year ago.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kenma shuffles into Kuroo’s bedroom at his dad’s house, feeling truly wretched. The day Kenma has been dreading since Spring finally arrived. Kenma knew it would happen, but didn’t want to think about it. He looks around Kuroo’s room. It feels bare. Most of Kuroo’s possessions are packed into boxes, which lie in the hall, waiting. Kenma looks at the vacant walls and empty dresser, feeling inexplicably hollow as well. Kuroo stands at his desk, packing a couple of remaining items. He haphazardly tosses them into a cardboard box.

Kenma plops down into the bed which squeaks sadly and he looks at the floor. He swings his feet back and forth in the air and chews on the inside of his cheek. He can feel Kuroo smiling at him, which only makes him feel more miserable. I should be excited for you.

“Came to say good-bye?”

Kenma nods sullenly and looks over to the empty desk. A couple of knick knacks and books remain, but Kuroo’s favorites are gone. It won’t be the same. Kuroo picks up the last picture off the desk and smiles a little before showing it to Kenma. It's a picture of them together as kids. Kenma can’t help but smile a little at the slightly faded picture: Kuroo smiles shyly, and Kenma grins broadly, an arm slung around Kuroo’s shoulder.

Kuroo chuckles, “Do you remember when this was taken?”

Kenma nods and looks at his friend.

“I just met you after I moved here. Wow… that was so long ago.” Kuroo grins, looking down at the picture in his hands, “Do you remember how you’d always drag me around to do things and force me to make friends?”

Kenma smiles, still watching Kuroo.

“Who could have guessed how we’d turn out?”

Kuroo chuckles and gently places the framed photo in the box. He slouchily walks over to the bed and flops down, sprawling onto his mattress next to Kenma. He groans, “I can’t believe I’m moving out tomorrow.” Kenma still sits silently on the corner of the bed.

“Are you gonna miss me?”

_I’m going to miss you more than you could possibly know._

Kenma nobs a little, sadly. Kuroo chuckles.

“Not going to say anything?” Kuroo teases, but it strikes something inside Kenma.

Kenma turns and looks at Kuroo. He really looks at him for the first time that day. The mischievous, crooked, half smile wrecks Kenma. Tears flood out of his eyes suddenly. Kenma dives his head between his knees trying to hide them.

“Oh shit! Sorry, Ken!”

Kuroo jumps up and kneels down in front of Kenma.

“What can I do? Can I give you a hug?”

Kenma nods and feels Kuroo’s strong arms wrap around him. Kenma stiffens slightly at his touch and part of him wants to bolt. Push Kuroo away, push what he is feeling right now away, and run from it all. But Kuroo’s strong arms hold him in place and there is nothing he can do but lean into Kuroo’s touch. Kenma reaches around Kuroo slowly and grabs onto his shirt, letting his fingers clutch at the loose fabric while he softly cries.

Kuroo coos softly into his ear, “You don’t have to say anything. "I know this is a big change for us. But we gotta grow up sometime right?” This makes Kenma begin to cry harder, burying his face in Kuroo’s shoulder and holding onto him even more tightly, “I’m going to miss you too.”

Kuroo chuckles, “Come on Ken.” Kuroo drags them both onto the bed. He lies on his back and pats the center of his chest, grinning at his friend. Kenma sniffs loudly and crawls to lie across him. Kenma sniffs again, sadly against Kuroo’s chest.

“I’m fine.” Kenma whispers pathetically. _How can I say how I feel about you… to you? Kuroo, I don’t know what I’m going to do without you._ The fear and sadness about Kuroo leaving throttles Kenma to his core. He begins to cry hard against Kuroo's chest. His fingers sink into Kuroo’s T-shirt.

Kuroo tries to comfort him, slowly rubbing his shoulders and back, “It won’t be that long, Ken. And I’ll be home for breaks and stuff. You can come visit me. Plus, we text more than we see each other anyway.”

Kenma pushes away for a second with a scowl, “That’s not true,” he mumbles with a pout.

“Ok fine. We don’t text each other more than we see each other,” Kuroo concedes with a grin which tells Kenma in a way Ha! Gotcha to say something!

Kenma knows Kuroo. He has been dreaming of moving out for almost his whole life. Kuroo’s home life has been anything but easy. Kenma really doubts that Kuroo will come back soon, if at all, even if he says he will. Screaming matches and instability have plagued him long enough. Kenma can’t blame him or fault him. _I would stay away too._ Still, knowing Kuroo will be so far away hurts. Kenma frowns and sniffs, wiping tears away on the sleeve of his sweatshirt. Kuroo reaches out and places another gentle hand on Kenma’s forearm, rubbing it slightly with his thumb.

“Really, I’m fine, Kuroo.” Kuroo snorts and with a smile retorts. “You said that line already and I still don’t believe it.”

Kenma looks at Kuroo’s chest. Dark, blotchy stains on his shirt catch Kenma’s eyes.

“I got your shirt wet… sorry.”

Kenma bites at the inside of his lip and sniffs deeply, trying to suck the remnants of his tears back inside. Yet, his tears are out of his control. He wipes his eyes again. Kuroo looks down, stretching his neck off the bed to examine his tear-stained shirt.

“Huh. Look at that. Eh, I like my shirt soggy…” Kuroo grins at Kenma, sitting up. He guides Kenma upright with him. Kenma feels his eyes bug out as he screams internally. _How can you say that so casually?_ Butterflies twitch nervously in Kenma’s stomach. “Let me get you some tissues.” Kuroo scoots off the bed and hops to his feet. He walks out of the room before Kenma can stop him. Kenma falls back onto Kuroo’s bed and huffs softly. He looks up at the familiar ceiling. _What the actual fuck am I going to do with out you?_ Kenma chews on the inside of his lip some more as he tries to imagine his life without Kuroo. _I guess I still have him. It's not like he’s dying. It’s just college after all._ Kuroo pops back into the room and leaps onto the bed. Kenma braces himself and holds onto the sheets to keep from falling off, as the mattress bounces.

“Here.”

“Thanks.”

Kenma sits up and blows his nose.

“Remember that time you sneezed really hard and your phone went flying? You had that huge booger.” Kuroo asks.

“At practice?”

“No, that time after practice.”

“Oh… maybe.”

Kenma pockets the tissue and glances over at Kuroo who is picking at a loose thread on his duvet cover. He is propping himself up on one arm, stretched out on his side, one leg bent. His spiky hair flops forward. Ever since they were kids, Kuroo’s hair has been wiley and unmanageable. It sticks up at all angles and directions. Kenma loves Kuroo’s hair. He loves the way Kuroo doesn’t try to hide it. Kenma’s thoughts circle closer to that inevitable truth.

Kuroo looks up at Kenma. No smile. He just looks at Kenma and Kenma’s heart melts.

“Why do you have to go to college again?” Kenma asks weakly.

Kuroo laughs and falls flat on the bed. His laugh is loud and bark like. It makes Kenma laugh in spite of himself.

“I’ll be there next year, Kuroo.”

Kenma slides his gaze up to meet Kuroo’s and he smiles back at him.

“I’d like that.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Still in his dorm room, Kenma smiles to himself sadly, putting the last shirt into its drawer. _I’ll see you soon_ , he sighs.

All the boxes are empty. Kenma wanders over to the window and looks out. From the seventh floor of the building, Kenma has a good view of the city. He leans his chin on his hands and gazes out at the school and the city behind it. Sloping hills roll through campus taking greenery with them and dispersing it into the city. The brick buildings of campus stand in bold contrast to its green lawns, trees, and hills. Kenma squints at the glare off of mirrored skyscrapers in towering clusters. They shine silver against the mountains peak in the distance. The mountains dwarf even the tallest buildings and cradle the city in their arms. Maybe they’ll have snow in winter. Snowy mountains make Kenma think of home. He closes his eyes and tries to breath.

The door bangs open and Kenma jumps, spinning around. Hinata bounds in dragging a rather flustered looking Yachi.

“You’re here!” Hinata yells jumping up and down.

Kenma nods, wide-eyed, watching Hinata bounce.

“Kenma this year is gonna be great! We are rooming together! Yachi is here! Kuroo is here! We’re gonna have so much FUN!” Hinata begins running in circles around Kenma and Yachi. “We can play volleyball! And go to parties! And make new friends! It's gonna be great!”

Kenma squints and nods. _It's like watching the sun._

“Have you eaten? Let’s get dinner!” Hinata grabs Kenma’s wrist and yanks Kenma and Yachi out the door. Yachi squeaks as the three of them sprint down the hall in tow behind Hinata. They stop in front of the elevator all running into each other. Hinata laughs loudly, Yachi giggles, and Kenma lets himself smile.

Hinata vigorously begins pressing the down button until the elevator dings and its doors slide open. They pile in.

“Which one should we go to?”

Kenma shrugs, “Maybe not a take out one?”

“Yeah ok sounds good! So there’s five? Six?” Hinata begins listing as the elevator descends, “There’s the Mediterian one, the American one, the healthy one, the Asian one… I think there’s more.”

Yachi gulps and is visibly overwhelmed by the options. Kenma pulls out this phone and scrolls through his open tabs.

“K plate has the best ratings.”

“That’s the healthy one! I went there for breakfast today and it was good. Let’s go there.”

Yachi nods with tentative approval, “Is that the one named after our mascot?”

Kenma adds factually, “Kitsune… the foxes.”

The elevator dings as the doors slide open. Hinata leaps out. Kenma is struck by noise as he steps into the lobby. Hinata leads his shier friends across the crowded linoleum entryway, echoing with so many voices. People mill about at random. Hinata easily glides through the sea of students in the lobby and Kenma struggles to keep up. He bumps into multiple passersby, apologizing frailly while trying to keep up with Hinata. The building does not seem to be equipped to handle the throngs.

The trio reaches a glass door. It parts willingly, releasing them into the warm evening. The recent sunset has left the sky a gentle pink, fading into a deep purple. They descend the steps of the hilly campus towards their dining hall of choice.

“Did you know that UJNT has the most elevation change of any campus in the state?”

Kenma chuckles, “Yeah they told us in orientation.”

Hinata laughs as they get into a line of boisterous students waiting to enter the dining hall. Everyone seems to be in high spirits: no classes and reunions with friends. Squeals of excitement and hugs proliferate the air as their upperclassmen see friends for the first time all summer. The dining hall hums with excited voices of hundreds of students eating dinner. The din is almost overwhelming but Hinata’s enthusiasm drowns it out a bit. Kenma uncomfortably follows along behind Hinata.

“Let’s get a table!” Hinata bounds off searching for a table and Kenma and Yachi wander behind. Kenma looks over to Yachi who seems far more nervous than he feels. Their mutual discomfort eases his worries, if only a little.

“So, Yachi, what are you studying?”

“Oh, I’m a Visual Arts and Design major.”

Kenma nods, “You did posters and ads for Kurasuno, right?”

Yachi smiles and nods. She chuckles nervously, “I’m surprised you remember.”

Kenma smiles. He likes Yachi, even though he doesn’t know her well. _I trust Hinata’s judge of character._

“You’re close with Hinata and so I am, so that makes us friends I guess.”

“YACHI! KENMA!” Hinata shouts and waves across the hall. The voices in the hall die off a bit as everyone looks over at the bouncing redhead. Kenma groans and Yachi blushes from embarrassment. Kenma does a little wave back, hoping to avoid further notice. The conversations around them return to normal, as before, while they walk over to Hinata.

Hinata proudly displays the table he found for them, places marked with paper napkins, to reserve their new found spots.

“Let’s get food.”

He takes off before they can say anything. Kenma looks around at the various options: grilled salmon, pear and goat cheese flatbread, roasted tomato and lamb bowl. The options are overwhelming. Hinata bounds back laden with food before Kenma or Yachi can decide where to begin.

“Just get one of everything!” Hinata instructs before scampering away.

Kenma asks Yachi, “Want to go together?”

“Yes please.”

They join the grilled salmon line and stand for a bit in awkward silence. Kenma watches Hinata across the hall, already greeting and hugging friends as he winds in and out of crowds. _He has barely been here a couple weeks and he already has friends. I guess athletes had to move in early_ , he reminds himself. Kenma feels a little insecure.

“You never told me what you study?”

Kenma is glad to be interrupted from his self pity spiral.

“Oh, I’m doing CS.”

Yachi looks confused.

“Computer science.”

“Oh right. I should have known that.”

Kenma now feels confused.

“No! I… well Hinata just talks about you a lot.”

“Oh.” Kenma feels a little uncomfortable and cramped as they grab their salmon and head towards the bowl line, fighting their way through groups of students. It shouldn’t be surprising to Kenma. _Hinata talks about Yachi too._

“Hinata talks about you too. He really loves your art.”

They grab their bowls and head back to the table. Yachi smiles.

They sit down at their empty, napkin-marked table.

“Hey Yachi?”

“Huh!” she jumps in her seat, “What? I’m sorry.”

Kenma smiles and waves his hand, “Can you pass a napkin?”

She nods.

They eat in awkward silence for a bit since Hinata is still talking with some friends across the hall. Kenma wants to say something, but doesn’t know what, so he eats his salmon instead. Yachi’s foot taps nervously while she picks at her pasta bowl.

Suddenly Yachi stands up and slams her palms onto the table. Kenma jumps this time. _What is this an anime?_

Yachi blurts out, “Kenma. I have a confession to make.” Yachi stares at her hands still planting firmly on the table. Kenma gulps. _What the hell is going on? Where’s Hinata?_ His eyes look frantically for the redhead.

“I’m a huge fan. I watch all of your livestream.”

Kenma feels his eyes get wide. All he can do is blink. Yachi sits down suddenly and covers her mouth. Kenma just blinks wide eyed at her.

“I’m so sorry.” She begins to hurriedly eat her food. Kenma continues to stare. _I’ve never met a fan before. Hinata must have told her. He did tell me he might have let it slip._ Kenma’s state of shock lasts for a second before he can jumble together an answer.

“Um. Thanks.”

Kenma wants to crawl under the table. It's horribly awkward. Kenma wonders what possessed Hinata to leave his two most awkward friends together for so long.

When Hinata finally returns, he plops down laden with food next to them. He looks back and forth across the silent discomfort.

“Did Yachi tell you she’s a fan?”

Yachi and Kenma both flush. Hinata laughs. His happy enthusiasm soothes their mutual discomfort at existing. Hinata begins eating again. He points a fork at Yachi.

“Kenma doesn’t ever meet any of his fans. He likes to remain anonymous. You’re the first one.” Hinata laughs, “Oh, there’s ice cream!”

He runs off again. Kenma clears his throat. He feels a little guilty and worries he made Yachi feel bad.

“Thanks for uh for supporting me.”

This sounds contrite to Kenma and he internally groans while he says the line. Seemingly in response, Yachi chokes on her water and spills almost the whole cup down her front. Kenma jumps to his feet.

“I’m sorry. Sorry!” Kenma excessively apologizes while throwing paper napkins into Yachi’s hands. She keeps coughing. Her eyes are watering a little. Kenma winces on her behalf while he continues to hand her paper napkins.

“No!” she coughs more, “I’m sorry!”

Kenma shakes his head and begins to mop up the water on the table. He racks his brain for conversation topics, while he lets the flimsy napkins slowly absorb the water.

“So… um… do you play?”

Yachi nods coughing some more into a napkin.

“We should play sometime.”

Yachi stops coughing. She sniffs loudly and her bottom lip begins to quiver. _Is she crying?_

“Ah! I’m sorry. We don’t have to!” Kenma waves frantically trying to get her to stop crying. Hinata sits down and looks between them, completely confused. Kenma’s face is contorted with worry and Yachi is nearly in tears. Kenma looks at Hinata for help.

“I don’t know what I said,” Kenma explains frantically, “I just asked if she wanted to play some time.”

Hinata grins widely, “She’d love to.” Yachi nods aggressively with teary eyes. Hinata begins to devour his heaping bowl of ice cream. Kenma wants to disappear. _This is why I don’t do people._

Hinata asks with his mouth full, “What’s going on with you and Kuroo?”

Kenma deflates further and tries to disappear into thin air, just dissolve into particles. He slums down in his chair. He flicks at the table, unfortunately finding himself still in a solid configuration.

Kenma sighs, “We haven’t really talked since he left.”

Hinata frowns, “I thought you were… you know like together.”

Kenma blushes and prods at his food. His now cold tomato lamb bowl no longer seems appetizing.

Hinata gasps and Kenma looks up, worried he committed some other kind of social faux pas.

“I’m sorry. Yachi is here. I shouldn’t have asked.”

Kenma waves him off, “I don’t mind. Yachi is cool.”

Out of the corner of Kenma’s eye he can see Yachi making the equivalent of the heart eyes emoji, which makes him smile a little. Hinata sees Kenma’s smile and flicks his gaze over to Yachi. He laughs seeing her expression.

Kenma goes back to prodding his cold food.

“We never… said… I don’t know.” Kenma huffs, dreading the words he is about to utter, “We never made things official. I think he’s just busy. You know, practice and stuff.”

Kenma looks back up at Hinata who looks slightly concerned. Kenma pulls his gaze away, feeling guilty for some illogical reason.

“Does he know you’re here?”

“No. I didn’t want to bother him.”

“Kenma!” Hinata’s voice echoes through the dining hall, reverberating off every surface. Kenma, Yachi, and the entire dining hall freeze and look at him. Kenma can feel every eye in the whole establishment fixed on them. If there would be a time to learn to teleport it would be now. Kenma glares at Hinata, trying to telepathically convey to him to shut the fuck up. Hinata only makes an exasperated noise.

“Sorry. Sorry. But, Kenma, tell him. Right. Now.”

Kenma looks away from Hinata. He can feel the redheads eyes scorching a hole in his skulls. Hesitantly, Kenma glances back up. Hinata looks at Kenma with such intensity that Kenma squirms in his seat. Kenma breaks eye contact, but he can feel Hinata looking even harder.

“I’ll yell again if you don’t,” Hinata threatens. Kenma huffs and pulls his phone from his pocket.

“Fine.”

Kenma: <<< hi, just moved in. getting dinner with friends. >>>

“Happy?” Kenma flips his phone around to Hinata, “It's not like he’s going to be free right now anyway.”

The device immediately buzzes. Hinata coughs with laughter. Kenma scowls and snatches his phone back around.

Kuroo: <<< what? Today? Im coming over >>>

Kuroo: <<< why didnt you tell me >:( >>>

Kenma: <<< you dont even know where i live >>>

Kuroo: <<< i got it from hinata >>>

Kenma: <<< im not in my room. im getting dinner >>>

Kenma glares up at Hinata who somehow got a cookie and is happily munching away. Hinata smirks and takes another bite. Kenma’s phone vibrates again.

Kuroo: <<< fine, but now you have to go out instead >>>

Kuroo: <<< see you at 10 ;) >>>

Kenma groans and pockets the phone. Hinata looks at him with a grin.

“Well?”

“We’re going out at ten.”

Hinata swallows the rest of the cookie, “That’s so exciting. Are you excited?” Kenma frowns at him, “Why don’t you look excited?” Kenma goes back to pushing food around on his plate moodily. He glares at the cold mess. Loud music and lots of people are the epitome of unappealing.


	2. 2. Wish You Were Sober

September - Five Months Ago

Kenma checks his phone again. 9:13. Ten o’clock almost seems like it's getting further away, as Kenma waits for Kuroo to pick him up to “go out,” whatever that means. Kenma returns to his game, allowing the flashing screen and sounds of his game to consume his mind. It's not that he expects the minutes to magically pass, but the prospect of seeing Kuroo thoroughly overwhelms his ability to reason, so Kenma checks his phone again. 9:16. He sighs and continues to play, hoping that the competition will give him a glimmer of distracted bliss from the incessant anticipation. 9:18. Kenma’s knee begins to bounce. Hinata taps on his shoulder and motions at his headphones. Kenma slides one off his ear.

“Yachi and I are going out,” Kenma nods and glances over at Yachi who is chewing on her fingernails. Kenma smiles a little. Glad I’m not the only nervous one.

“I’ll see you later, Kenma! Have fun with Kuroo!”

Kenma waves and returns to the game, but maybe gaming isn’t the best move. His leg is almost vibrating while he bounces it quickly. Kenma saves his progress and switches to his course website. He scrolls through the posted materials, just syllabi for now. He downloads a syllabus for Musicology 10 and tries to read it, but the course description and academic dishonesty warnings seem to melt into pixels on the screen. 9:24. He sighs and turns off his computer. Kenma flops on his bed and busies himself with scrolling through the bottomless pit of content on his phone. This has the added benefit of the time displayed on the screen. 9:32.

Butterflies build in Kenma. His fingers and toes tingle as ten inches closer and closer. He watches fails of the week and cat videos. And as suddenly as it came, ten is gone. The tension does not dissipate from Kenma as secretly hopes that Kuroo forgot. That he doesn’t have to deal with all the uncertainty and love trapped inside of him. Kenma tries to breath through these feelings. Taking a deep inhale and exhaling, hoping to dispel them all. A soft knock sounds on the door. Kenma flies off his bed to yank it open, despite a deep desire to seem cool and collected. Kenma is desperate for Kuroo.

Scenarios drift through Kenma’s head, as his hand rests on the doorknob. His heart beats out of his chest. Each simultaneously unlikely and yet Kenma can’t shake them as he begins to open the door. Kuroo’s with someone he introduces as his partner. It's just his RA, coming to introduce themself. There’s no one there. Kenma must have imagined it. Kenma stays awake with nervousness all night and Kuroo never comes. He forgot Kenma.

Kenma inches the door open and peaks nervously out, expecting the worst. Kuroo is leaning on his forearm against the doorframe. His lips quirk into a half smile upon seeing Kenma.

“Hey,” his voice is soft and deep.

It makes Kenma’s hair stand on end and sends a shiver down his spine. One word. One word was all it took to remind Kenma why Kuroo. Kenma reaches for his shoes. Kuroo clicks his tongue and pushes past Kenma inside the room. His cheeks are rosy and the smell of hard alcohol lingers after he passes by Kenma.

“We have to pregame,” Kuroo says gravely.

Kuroo pushes an only partially filled blue water bottle into Kenma’s hands and kicks the door closed behind him. He drops down onto Kenma’s bed and looks up at him, smirking, as Kenma takes a swing from the water bottle. A skrewdriver: orange juice and cheap vodka. It burns in Kenma’s throat as he swallows it but is decently palatable. Kenma watches Kuroo: his lazy posture, sprawled across his bed, and his wandering gaze, darting around the room. Kuroo is already drunk, Kenma concludes, and he has no interest in being the sober one.

Kenma takes another big gulp from the water bottle, while continuing to watch Kuroo. Kuroo looks up at Kenma and they stare at each other, neither willing to back down, neither willing to break the tension building between them. Kenma lowers the bottle from his lips and wipes the edges of his mouth with his sleeve, savouring the burn of the vodka traveling down his throat.

Kuroo looks down and kicks at Kenma’s feet a little.

“How’ve you been?”

Kenma shrugs and drinks more. Kuroo nods, standing up to examine the small room. Kenma follows him to stand in front of Hinata’s desk. Hinata has a lot of pictures on his walls. Shots of smiling friends in practice jerseys. Hinata and Kenma, smiling in Shinjuku. Kurasuno’s volleyball team from his first year. A couple action shots of Hinata, but more of Kageyama. A number 10 black and orange jersey pinned to the wall. Kuroo smiles and turns to Kenma’s desk. Kenma’s area is void of color. Only school supplies and gaming equipment adorn Kenma’s desk. The soft glow of his PC and the hard white light of his desk lamp. It looks dry and unwelcoming, even to Kenma.

“Why no decorations, Ken?”

Kenma shrugs again, “You jealous that I don’t have any pictures of you?”

Kuroo smirks and turns to face Kenma. Kenma tosses the nearly empty water bottle onto the bed. He slides his fingers though Kuroo’s belt loops and pulls him close. Kenma can already feel the soft warmth of vodka spreading through his body. He leans against the frame of his bed with Kuroo’s body pressing against his.

“We don’t have to go out,” Kenma whispers, eyeing Kuroo’s lips and jaw with desire. Kenma leans forward and presses his lips against Kuroo’s. They burn more than the vodka, spreading warmth through his whole body, making him forget how to breathe. Kuroo pulls away and rests his forehead against Kenma’s. Kenma tries to breath Kuroo in, to remember him exactly as he is in this moment. Black jeans and a slightly too tight white T-shirt. Soft lips and strong arms.

“Though that is tempting,” Kuroo muses, “you have to at least try partying.” Kuroo smiles down at Kenma and brushes a strand of Kenma’s hair out of his face.  
Kenma scowls back at him, which makes Kuroo laugh.

“Let’s go.”

Kuroo slips through Kenma’s finger. He grabs the water bottle and waits for Kenma to grab some shoes. Kenma reaches for his sweatshirt, but Kuroo shakes his head.

“Leave it.”

Then he pushes Kenma out the door into the hall. The fluorescent lights of the hall feel cold as they walk in silence to the elevator. The elevator dings open, releasing the shrill squeals of the other passengers. It's crowded with very drunk girls. The two boys step inside. The girls glitter and smell like fake flowers, but they stop their boisterous laughter and jokes as Kuroo steps inside. Kenma frowns as he watches them gawk over Kuroo. Their eyes soften and lips part slightly as they ogle. Kenma twinges with jealousy. He looks down for Kuroo’s hand as the elevator doors slide closed, but it's slid into the pocket of Kuroo’s jeans. The elevator jolts as it descents. It is palpably silent as Kenma watches the girls look at each other wide-eyed in the reflection of the brushed steel door. The elevator creaks to a stop and it dings open.

They step out into the busy lobby. The girls push past them, squealing and giggling again, joining the overrun lobby. You’re never alone here. Kenma is not used to the constant onslaught of young bodies. The sheer quantity of people is suffocating. They walk every direction at every speed at every hour. Kenma follows Kuroo to the sliding doors and they step out into the cool of the night. Kenma shivers a little, wishing he had his jacket. He crosses his arms in front of himself, trying to protect the small amount of warmth he has left.

Kenma looks up at Kuroo. He walks kind of hunched, hands in his pockets. Kuroo begins to whistle a little as Kenma starts to feel drunk. His head no longer feels fully attached to his body. His movements feel sloppy and his cheeks burn with heat despite the cold. As they approach the edge of campus, the deep thump of EDM creeps through the air. Groups of happily intoxicated students push past them, heading into the unknown of “off campus”. The night feels deeply ominous to Kenma.

“This way,” Kenma looks around for Kuroo who is beckoning him to turn down a side street. Kenma follows. He starts to feel giggly with excitement even though there’s nothing to laugh about as he jogs after Kuroo. They walk down the small street towards a house with people spilling out into the street. Laughs, shrieks, and loud, happy voices radiate from the undulating throng. The smell of spilled alcohol and the vibrations of the music begin to overwhelm Kenma as they approach the party. Kuroo places a hand on his shoulder and guides him through the crowd.

“Kuroo! You fucking made it!”

“Hey, man. How’s it going?”

“Fuck yeah! Kuroo!”

“Yo! Yo! Kuroo’s here.”

“Damn way to show up late!”

Kenma begins to wilt, as friends crowd around Kuroo, slowly crushing the fragile enthusiasm he had for going out to begin with. Maybe it was just anxiety all along. Kenma begins to fear it's a lost cause, that he will be lost: lost in this crowd of drunkenness. But Kuroo’s hand finds Kenma’s shoulder again. The gentle touch, revives him, refilling his hope.

Kuroo propels him up the steps and into the house, waving and smiling at practically everyone. As they step inside, Kenma is nearly knocked flat by the difference in temperature between inside and out. It's like an oven in here. It is suffocatingly hot and humid from the sheet quality of bodies. The room is bursting with people as the two force their way in. People are screaming over the deafening music and jumping up and down to the beat. Colored lights strobe chaotically over the hoard. A tiny disco ball spins in the center of the room, refracting light. Condensation drips off the window panes from the accumulated sweat in the air. Kenma feels overwhelmed and slightly disgusted. He freezes and his instincts tell him to bolt as Kuroo continues to greet friends, but his hand never leaves Kenma’s shoulder.

They push further into the party. Kenma stumbles a little and jostles Kuroo, who is shouting incoherently to another group of people Kenma doesn’t know. Kenma watches Kuroo smirk and laugh with flushed cheeks. He feels a little ill from the overwhelming number of things he is experiencing: sounds, lights, and smells. Slinking away through the crowd, he hides against a wall. He tries to catch his breath and takes a sip of Kuroo’s practically empty water bottle which somehow ended up in his possession. People jostle him unceremoniously as he tries to escape from their oppressive numbers.

Kenma decides to stay glued to the wall and to pout. He looks down at his dirty white vans, trying to avoid the spiky, black hair in the boisterous crowd. Fear nibbles at his consciousness. You won’t be the same as you were over the summer? Will you?

Someone bumps Kenma’s shoulder. Kenma looks up to his both disappointment and joy that the spiky hair found him instead.

“Come on, Ken! You have to dance!” Kuroo screams into his ear over the music.

Kenma frowns, but allows Kuroo to push him back into the crowd.

Kenma sways uncomfortably.

“Ken! You gotta feel the music!” Kuroo yells in his ear.

Kenma bobs up and down pathetically, while Kuroo jumps and flails. I’m doing this wrong. This isn’t right. Kenma looks around nervously as the song begins to build, steadily reaching its pinnacle.

The beat drops. On beat, the crowd jumps in unison around Kenma. He missed the signal somehow. Squished. Kicked. Surrounded. Suffocated. Lost. He feels afraid that he’ll get crushed or consumed by the gyrating mass around him. He can’t escape. He can’t breathe. Panic begins to flood his mind.

But then, Kuroo takes his hand. Kuroo’s fingers wrap around his and he pulls Kenma close, forcing him to jump in unison with the entire crowd. Kenma feels the beat, the rhythm pulse inside him as he jumps, holding Kuroo’s hand. His panic dissipates and a smile spreads across his face. Kenma begins to laugh at the absurdity of everything. He looks up with a grin at Kuroo who smiles widely back.

Kenma feels the uninhibited enthusiasm, the carefree existence, the ridiculous impossibility of sharing in this space, in this moment with so many strangers. He laughs and yells while he jumps and dances with Kuroo. Kenma gives in and lets go. His inhibitions and fear leaves him. I could do this forever with you. At this moment, he just is: dancing with Kuroo through eternity.

Unfortunately for Kenma, his biology wins out over his enthusiasm. Breathless and a little dizzy, Kenma forces himself out of the crowd after what seemed like a couple songs to lean against his little section of wall. He pants and drunkenly watches Kuroo continue to have a good time. An athletic looking friend approaches. Kuroo cheers and they chest bump. Damn their athletic stamina. Exhaustion and drunkenness begins to eat at Kenma this time. His limbs feel heavy and he forces his eyelids open. He checks his phone. 2:04. That’s pretty late.

Kenma watches Kuroo and contemplates whether he should leave or stay. He watches Kuroo and his wild hair and crooked grin. Kenma blushes slightly as his fingers begin to tingle a little. A girl dances up to Kuroo. She takes his hands and he dances with her for a bit. Kenma feels a pang of jealousy. She turns and tries to grind against Kuroo. Kenma’s fists clench, but Kuroo deflects her, letting her get lost in the crowd. With that, Kenma feels ready to leave. He pushes back through the crowd.

He screams to Kuroo, “I’m going to head back.”

“What? Why?”

“I’m tired!”

“Ok! One more song and I’ll go back with you!”

“Fine.”

Kenma sways sleepily while Kuroo continues to jump with some friends. Kenma has become desensitized to the loudness and people. The warmness of the air and the beat of the music begins to lull him to sleep. His senses are overloaded to the point of monotony.

The song ends and, as promised, Kuroo places his hand on Kenma’s shoulder and stears him from the house packed out into the now empty street. The night air is freezing. It burns Kenma’s cheeks and makes his eyes water. He shudders slightly and wraps his arms tightly around himself. In the blur of sleepiness and alcohol, Kenma tries to remember how to get back to his dorm. He looks up and down the deserted street. His ears still ring with echoes of the blaring music. He looks up at Kuroo, hoping for some direction. Kuroo is smiling at him with a glint of fire in his eyes. Kenma’s heart flutters.

Kuroo takes his hand and pulls Kenma against him. They fall back against a wall of a neighboring apartment building. Kenma leans against Kuroo. He places his hands against Kuroo’s chest and looks up at him. Kuroo smiles.

“I missed you,” the words feel like an embrace as Kuroo looks down at Kenma.

Kenma blushes and purses his lips to keep from grinning too widely. Kuroo’s fingers slide along his jaw, tilting his face up. Kenma’s lips fall slightly open and he closes his eyes as Kuroo kisses him. Kenma feels buoyant, with electricity coursing through his veins. Kuroo slips a hand under Kenma’s shirt. The contact of skin on skin makes Kenma moan softly against Kuroo’s mouth. He wraps his arms around Kuroo’s neck, pulling him closer. Kenma kisses him harder, sucking more fervently on Kuroo’s lips.  
Kuroo pulls away, panting slightly.

“Let’s go to my place.”

Kenma scrunches his face up a little. _Doesn’t he have roommates?_ Kuroo wraps a protective arm around Kenma’s shoulder and steers him back to campus. _We’re also still pretty drunk. I wish you were sober._

Kenma begins to chew nervously on the inside of his lip, while his thoughts spiral. _I really want to, Kuroo, you know I do. It's just…_ Kenma doesn’t even know how to articulate his deep desire to be held and let his fears drown in Kuroo’s strong arms. The nagging dread refuses to leave Kenma: _would you have kissed me if you were sober?_

They two walk silently back to the dorms. Kenma leans into Kuroo’s comforting warmth. Campus is empty, except for a few stragglers, trudging back home after a long night. The air is hazy with condensation, slightly obscuring the streetlights. The mist dampens sound. The night feels silent and empty as they approach their building.  
The fluorescent lights of the deserted lobby stab at Kenma’s eyes. Their artificial light is blinding and cold after hours of steamy darkness. Kenma follows Kuroo, squinting, to a waiting elevator. As they step inside, Kuroo presses the button for his floor. Kenma stands next to Kuroo feeling drained. Kuroo leans against the wall as the elevator lurches up. He wraps his arms around Kenma’s waist and pulls him close. Kenma yips slightly out of surprise as he falls into Kuroo’s muscular arms. He kisses Kenma’s cheek and Kenma lets himself relax against Kuroo.

“I missed you too,” Kenma says, like a soft exhale, barely audible against the mechanical whir of the elevator. Kuroo kisses his cheek again.

The elevator dings for his floor and Kuroo guides Kenma out. They walk down the hall until Kuroo stops and presses Kenma against the wall. Kuroo leans forward and kisses Kenma. His tongue snaking into Kenma’s mouth. Kenma sinks into the kiss and lets the world slide away and disappear into nothingness.

Kuroo pulls away too soon and reaches for his keycard. He slides it into the lock. It clicks open. Kenma grabs Kuroo’s hand.

“Wait. Don’t you have roommates?”

Kuroo chuckles, “They won’t mind.”

Kenma frowns a little and looks at the ground. He mumbles, “I will.”

Kuroo smiles, Kenma can feel it, and removes his key, returning it to his pocket. His hands find Kenma’s cheeks and Kuroo kisses Kenma’s forehead. It's soft and loving. It makes Kenma’s knees feel like jelly.

“I’ll walk you home.”

Kenma nods, “Thank you.”

They walk up the couple flights of stairs to Kenma’s floor. Things feel a little more distant now, despite their almost absurdly close proximity. Kenma is beginning to sober and he feels afraid, afraid that something is different. Kuroo stops in front of Kenma’s room. He takes a deep breath and turns to Kenma. He smiles a slight half smile and tucks a strand of hair behind Kenma’s ear. He takes Kenma’s hands and leans forward. Kuroo kisses him softly. Their lips stick together slightly as he pulls away.

“Goodnight, Ken.”

And like that he walks away down the blue grey carpet to his own room. Kenma stands for a minute in the silent hallway flipping his keycard over in his fingers, feeling a deep, deep sense of dread.


	3. 3. Manic

October - Four months ago

Kuroo: <<< hey. some friends of mine are having a movie night. want to come? >>>

Kenma: <<< sure. when? >>>

Kuroo: <<< friday. we could have dinner first? >>>

Kenma: <<< yeah. sounds good >>>

Kenma pops in his earbuds as he walks out of lecture. The beat of his music muffles the bubbling sound of students’ voices. Kenma heads towards the dining hall to meet Kuroo. He tries not to think about how odd their relationship has become since the school year started. He’s been at UJNT for over a month now and his feet have learned to find their way to the dorms and dining halls on their own. Kenma can switch his brain off and just run on autopilot. He zones out as he moves through the crowd of people heading back after class. It's absurd. All these people are all walking together, but all silent. Even though they are within arms reach, no one takes the initiative.

Kenma climbs the last set of steps up to the dining hall. He feels slightly disheveled: out of breath from the hills and tired from class. He looks around for Kuroo. Kenma sees him leaning over a railing in front of the dining hall looking out at a view of campus. A light breeze floats through Kuroo’s permanently messy hair. Pale, golden light from the setting sun illuminates Kuroo’s already beautiful face. He looks like a painting: more perfect than real life. Kuroo is squinting slightly, deeply lost in thought. It tugs gently at Kenma’s heart. His fingers tingle and he feels butterflies rise in stomach. He walks over and leans on the rail next to Kuroo.

“Whatcha thinking about?”

Kuroo blinks and looks over at Kenma. Kenma smiles at him, shyly. He holds onto the rail and leans back, playfully suspending himself. Kuroo grins crookedly.

“Oh hey, Ken.” Kuroo doesn’t answer his question.

“Did you wait long?”

Kuroo shakes his head, “Let’s get in line.”

They walk together towards the slowly growing line.

Kuroo looks over at Kenma, “Oh your backpack.”

Kenma groans. _No backpacks in the dining halls._ They step out of line and walk over the busy lockers. People are fighting for them at this point. Kenma looks around for an open one, but doesn’t see any. Kuroo taps his shoulder.

“I see one.”

Kenma hands him the backpack and Kuroo slides it into an open one on the top level. _Benefit of having tall… friends._

Kuroo places a hand on Kenma’s back, guiding back into line. Kenma feels electricity radiate from Kuroo’s hand into his body. He floats alongside Kuroo.

“How was class?”

Kenma shrugs, “Good I guess. I already know the language, so it's still pretty easy.”

Kuroo huffs out a laugh, “You’re a genius.”

Kenma scowls at him.

“I know. I know you don’t like that term, but it applies here,” Kuroo says honestly, “Have you learned anything new?”

Kenma ponders, “Well, my CS classes are still pretty basic, but my musicology class is different.”

Kuroo raises an eyebrow, “Do tell.”

Kenma tries to think, “My lecture today was just our professor showing us how to make different sounds on the electric guitar, like how distortion works.”

Kuroo smiles, “That sounds pretty sick.”

Kenma smiles too, “Yeah I’ve never seen an old guy shred so hard.”

Kuroo chuckles as they swipe into the chaos of the dining hall. Kenma has gotten down the procedure: first, find a table and mark your territory with paper napkins; second, grab as much food as you can take per trip until you have everything you want to eat, but never under any circumstance do you take a tray - never; third, acquire your drink of preference; fourth, sit awkwardly while your extraverted friend runs into every acquaintance under the sun and stare at your food wanting to eat it but also wanting to wait for your friend.

Kuroo finally sits down, “Ah, sorry. Everyone is here tonight,” he gestures in the air vaguely, “It's probably because they have the strawberry barbecue chicken bowl. So fucking good.”

Kenma just nods and digs in. _So hungry._

“I forgot to grab water, I'll be right back.” Kuroo slides out of his chair and walks across the dining hall running into yet another acquaintance.

Kenma munches a particularly delicious salad. This feels strange. Kenma sees Kuroo nearly everyday. They walk to class together, eat meals together, study together, but nothing else. Kenma scoops up another bite and watches Kuroo scroll through his phone while waiting in line for the drink dispenser.

They don’t talk about things like they used to, like they did over summer; Kenma feels worried. He eats more of his salad.

Kuroo sits down at the table, “I’m back.”

Kenma sips some water to clear his throat, “How was your day?”

“Let’s see. I had morning practice and afternoon practice. So I’ve been up since like five.” Kuroo makes a face and takes another bite of food, “I had class in between, chem lab. We made aspirin today.”

Kenma chuckles.

“We didn’t get to keep any of it. What a drag. Then I had a bio lecture. Guess what we learned.”

Kenma makes a face, “I don’t know anything about bio.”

Kuroo looks at him hard, as if trying to telepathically convey it, “You know this one. Think about cells.”

Kenma doesn’t know what the point of this game is. So he recites the only biology fact he knows, “The mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.”

Kuroo laughs, “Yup!”

“Are you serious?” Kenma says with complete sincerity.

“Yeah. It's a microbiology class, and we're doing cell anatomy this week.”

Kenma chuckles and shakes his head.

“Oh, I watched your live stream yesterday.”

Kenma freezes. He feels himself flush vibrantly.

“You killed it. You’re so charismatic when you want to be.”

Kenma frowns at Kuroo, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Exactly what I said.”

Kenma still feels red from Kuroo's initial statement, “I didn’t notice you watched,” he mumbles.

Kuroo genuinely laughs at that, “Well no shit Ken. Literally thousands of other people were also watching. I’d be shocked if you had.”

“Kuroo!”

Kuroo looks up as a tall guy with a UJNT volleyball shirt strides over to their table.

“Hey! How’s it going?” “

You know. Not ready for morning practice again tomorrow.”

“Me neither bro.” They do some kind of handshake and Kenma tries to disappear into himself. That chat a bit about practice, complain about one of the coaches, the intense training regiment, and an upcoming game. Kenma spaces out. The colors of the dining hall and sounds of the students fade into a blur as he continues to munch on salad greens.

“Oh, this is my friend, Kenma.”

Kenma eyes refocus on the two hunks staring at him. The guy reaches out a hand. Kenma shakes it with a forced smile, “Nice to meet you.”

_Friend. Friend. Friend._ The words pisses Kenma off. The other two continue their volleyball talk. Kenma feels excluded and angry. _Just a friend. I’m just a friend._ It's what Kenma has been fearing. Just a friend. Everything is different. Everything has changed. No one said anything to confirm it, but Kenma knows: it’ll never be what we had over the summer. _You’ll never be the same towards me._

Kenma feels hurt as they leave the dining hall. Kuroo fetches him his backpack from the locker, and they head to Kuroo’s friends’ dorm for the movie. _Just friends._ Kenma silently fumes as they walk. _A friend._

“Hey, you seem a little quiet. Is anything up?”

Kenma shakes his head, “Just tired.”

“Oh, ok…” Kuroo looks like he wants to say more, but they both remain silent.

Kenma is flustered that Kuroo can read him so easily, but he’s too prideful to let Kuroo win this one. _Let him think I’m fine with it._

They arrive at the dorm. Kenma can hear the hum of people inside from down the hall. Kuroo pushes the dead bolted door open and they step into the cramped room. The people inside cheer upon seeing Kuroo. It's comical how Kuroo receives a celebrity-like greeting from his peers wherever he goes. Kenma deflates a little. The smell of cheap beers hits him as he gets packed into the room. The door clicks shut behind them.

“Everyone,” Kuroo shouts over the general cacophony, “This is my friend from home, Kenma.”

_Friend._ Everyone sort of drunkenly waves and shouts a greeting back to Kenma, who just tries to disappear into the woodwork. _Friend._ He smiles and waves at them, but their attention has already shifted away. _Friend!_

The room is hot and sticky from the people. It's cramped like everything here. Too many people trying to fit into a small place, from lecture halls to dining halls. The school is filled to the brim. Kuroo drifts away from Kenma’s side as he is engulfed by the group of friends. Kenma feels forgotten, drifting into a lonely sea.

Kenma shrinks away from the people and finds an unoccupied corner.

“Hey, Kenma right?”

Kenma looks up, a girl is smiling at him.

He nods.

She reaches out her hand.

“I’m Kaida.”

Kenma nods and shakes her hand, “Nice to meet you.” He basically whispers.

“I don’t like crowds either.”

She gestures out at the room. Kenma feels a bit of relief and smiles a little at her.

“Kuroo talks about you. You were on his high school team right? The one that went to Nationals?”

Kenma nods and internally puzzles over this. _He talked about me? What did he say? What do you know?_

“What position did you play?”

“Setter.”

Kenma struggles to make conversation as he watches Kuroo from the corner of his eye. _Friends. A friend. Just a friend. Only a friend to me. Just a friend._

“Oh that’s really cool. You must be good at strategy.”

Kenma shrugs. This girl is really making an effort to be nice to him, but Kenma does not have it in him right now to fully reciprocate. He feels a little guilty and tries to have a conversation.

“Yeah I guess. Um, do you play any sports?”

She smiles and nods, “I’m on the water polo team.”

Kenma nods and realizes he knows nothing about water polo. _What do you even ask as a follow up to that?_

Luckily for Kenma, someone stands on a chair and shouts to the group.

“Shut up and sit down! The movie’s starting!”

The conversation dies and someone gets the lights.

“It was really nice to meet you,” Kaida whispers as she walks away to find a spot to sit.

Kenma looks around to find a spot near Kuroo but the room is so crowded, he just slides to the ground where he is. Kenma begins to fume again. _Some friend!_ Kuroo takes him places and then just abandons him. Kenma is angry now. He curses under his breath. Someone passes him a beer as the movie begins. Kenma downs it while he simmers.

It feels like Kuroo is slipping away. Kenma looks over across the dark room. That girl he was talking to somehow slid in next to Kuroo. _What’s her name? Kaida_. Kenma fumes from across the room. He looks around the floor and finds another boor. He downs it too. Someone hands him another third, and he throws it back.

Kenma tries to watch the movie, but keeps getting distracted by the private conversation Kuroo and Kaida are having. Kuroo hands Kaida his beers and she takes a sip before handing it back. They giggle about something. Kenma is enraged at this point. He fidgets and thinks about bailing, but everyone would see him leave. He won’t let Kuroo win like that. He busies himself by picking at the carpet and sipping the seemingly never ending stream of beers being passed his way, half watching the movie until it's over.

Kenma waits for Kuroo in the hall. He feels more than a little buzzed from the beers he drank. Kenma can hear people trying to get Kuroo to stay. Kenma is still fuming.

“One more beer!”

“Boo! Don’t leave!”

Kuroo steps into the hall, and Kenma does his best not to glare directly at him. They walk in silence down the hall to the elevator. Kuroo hits the button and looks over at Kenma.

“Your place or mine? I don’t think my roommates are there.” Kuroo steps a little closer to Kenma and Kenma can’t keep it in any longer. Kenma’s lips begin to tremble and, before he can stop himself, he shouts.

“Am I just a friend to you?”

Kuroo looks surprised at Kenma, “Well of course you’re my friend, Ken.”

Kenma glares up at Kuroo. His vision may feel a bit blurry, but Kenma is determined, “No. You know what I mean. Friends don’t do what we do.”

“Oh, um. Ken, it's just…”

“Just what? Just what, Tetsurou?” Kenma feels a tear run down his face as his voice cracks a little, “You’re ashamed of me, of this, aren’t you?”

“Ken, please, I…” Kenma can’t quite place Kuroo’s tone, but there’s too much hurt and anger pent up. Kuroo reaches out to Kenma, but Kenma slaps his hand away.

Kenma lashes out, “I told you. I can’t just be friends with you. I tried, and I was miserable. It was horrible. You can’t take me out and introduce me to everyone as just your friend and then try to go home with me afterwards. I can’t, Tetsurou! I can’t do that!”

Kenma’s voice fades from a hoarse shout to an emphatic whisper. Kuroo looks hurt and worried, but he doesn’t say anything. He just stands there slouching in front of Kenma, staring hard at the blue-gray hall carpet.

“What? You have nothing to say?”

Another tear drips from Kenma’s face. Kuroo looks at the floor. Kenma scoffs.

“Fine.” Kenma pauses, his last bit of fury boiling over, “You know what I don’t care anymore. Tell people I’m your stalker or a fucking psycho for all I care, I just can’t. Be. Your. Friend… Not after this summer.”

Kenma’s throat tightens around those last words, those memories. He turns to the stairwell and bolts, slamming the door closed behind him. His breath is ragged and tears stream from his eyes as he runs down the stairs, trying to escape. Keep it together until you get back. He walks quickly through the lobby of this building, keeping his head down. He walks through the doors and to his building. He slips into an elevator alone. He leans his head against the wall of the elevator and lets himself cry.

The elevator dings open and his jogs down the hall to his room. He flings the door open and bursts inside, as a sob shakes his whole body. The door clicks softly shut behind him as he drops to his knees. Hinata’s head pops around the corner of his bed.

“Kenma! What happened?”

Kenma looks up, surprised. _Fuck! Why can I never be alone?_

Kenma drags himself over to his bed and leans against it still sitting on the floor. Hinata sits down on the ground next to him. He pulls an unopened bag of peanut M&Ms from his sweatshirt pocket and offers them to Kenma. Kenma sees Hinata’s kind gesture and cries harder. He buries his head in his arms. He hears Hinata shake the bag of candy and takes a deep breath. Kenma sits up and wipes his face on his sleeves. He takes a couple of M&Ms from Hinata and sniffs loudly. They sit next to each other in silence, eating the M&Ms. Kenma hiccups and Hinata hands him a water bottle. Kenma takes a sip.

“Thanks.”

Hinata nods, “You don’t have to tell me what happened, but if you want, I’ll be here.” Kenma takes another sip.

“I yelled at Kuroo.” Hinata looks up at him surprised.

“I told him we can’t be friends. Like just friends.”

Hinata sighs, “Yeah. I get that.” He picks at the carpet, “I’m sorry, Kenma. That really sucks.”

He produces another bag of M&Ms. Kenma chuckles, in spite of his misery and accepts another handful.

“Where did you get all of these?”

Hinata smiles toothily and folds his hands behind his head, “I’m a man of mystery.”

Kenma scoffs with a chuckle and eats another peanut M&M. He can feel his phone buzzing with another phone call in his pocket. He peaks at it and winces. Ten messages from Kuroo. Four missed calls. Two voicemails. Kenma powers off the device, chucks it on his bed, and eats another peanut M&M.

_“Kenma please. It's me. Call me back. I just… I just want to talk. I have been um… I’m sorry. Ok? I didn’t… I didn’t know that’s how you felt. I shouldn’t… shouldn’t have. I don’t know. Please. Please just call me. Ok, bye.”_

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June - Eight month ago

_I don’t think I can do this anymore._ Kenma clicks buttons frantically while facing the final boss of a video game he received just yesterday. Kuroo lays sprawled across his bed reading. Kenma listens for the subtle rustle of a turning page to remind him Kuroo is still there while he continues to play. The two boys sit in the silent heat of early summer, leisurely passing the time.

Kuroo flips a page and re-adjusts his position, accidentally brushing his arm against Kenma’s hair. Kenma shivers involuntarily at his touch. _I can’t do this for much longer._ The years of staying quiet weigh heavily on Kenma, while his love for Kuroo continues to grow. Kenma takes a deep breath and pauses his game. He stares out the window for a second to try to collect his thoughts and stop the racing of his heart. The clear blue sky idles outside his window. The day feels sleepy in the summer heat.

A flipping page ruffles. Kenma puts down the controller and turns around. He places his arms on the edge of the bed and rests his chin on them. Yesterday, Kenma tried to plan a speech, but everything sounded contrite. Kenma examines a loose thread on his duvet cover while his heart pounds widely inside of him, and his fears writhe like a stormy sea. Kenma takes a breath.

“I need to do this,” Kenma says mostly to himself. He looks up at Kuroo, still reading his book, “Kuroo. I have to tell you something.” Kenma stares up at the unkempt hair and leisurely posture.

Kuroo extends a finger and continues to read for a second, before snapping the book shut and turning over to face Kenma.

“Yeah, what’s up?” Kuroo’s expression is blank, but Kenma swears he hears a catch in Kuroo’s voice. Kenma squints a little trying to discern any emotion. _I’m imagining things._ Kuroo looks at Kenma, but begins to pick at his thumb nail.

“Kuroo,” Kenma whispers, using all of his strength to get his words out. The pounding of his heart in his ears practically masks his soft voice. “I have feelings for you.”

Kenma flicks his gaze down to the duvet once he completes his confession. Kenma waits. Nothing. Fear begins to rise, unabated, as Kenma waits in deafening silence. Nothing. _I've ruined everything_. Nothing. The room is eerily silent.

Kenma looks up at Kuroo while he chews at his lips nervously. Kuroo is looking up at the ceiling. He looks pained, like he was just cut. His eyebrows are pinched together. Kenma knows he can see him staring, but Kuroo doesn’t move or make a sound.

Suddenly, Kuroo sucks in a deep breath, eyes glued to the ceiling.

“I… I don’t want to mess this up… Our friendship… You… mean a lot to me, but I think… I think we’re better as friends.”

Kenma’s stomach clenches violently. He can’t breath. He can’t move. _I’m going to puke._ Kenma suppresses his urge to run, to cry, to scream. He forces himself to stay calm. He clenches his fist tightly. His nails dig into the skin of his palm. His worst fears came true. Despite all his fears, he has hoped it wasn’t just him, that he wasn’t alone in this. Kenma thought he would just die if this happened, but he’s still here. His pain he feels in his palms from his nails digging in reminds he’s still alive.

Kenma whispers, “Ok, yeah. Let’s just say friends. Forget I said anything.” He whips back around and snatches up his game controller to resume playing in hopes of distracting himself from the unspeakable tragedy that just occurred.

_How am I so fucking stupid? What else did I think was going to happen?_

“Yeah… friends,” Kuroo muses behind him.

Kenma’s game noises return and the rustle of book pages does as well. Kenma forces himself to play even though he feels his bottom lip begin to quiver and a tear run down his cheek.

Kenma: <<< i told kuroo and he said we should stay friends >>>

Hinata: <<< really???? >>>

Hinata: <<< oh shit! im so sorry kenma! >>>

Hinata: <<< what did he say???? >>>

Kenma: <<< “were better as friends” >>>

Hinata: <<< but he didnt say he didnt feel the same way….. >>>

Kenma: <<< yeah but does it matter >>>

Kenma: <<< i dont think hes ever going to speak to me again >>>

Hinata: <<< i dont think thatll happen >>>

Hinata: <<< im sooooooo sorry is there anything i can do to help you rn >>>

Hinata: <<< i can sing you a song >>>

Hinata: <<< i could…

Kenma kicks the side of the bathtub, where he sits fully clothed, curled up in one corner. He puts his phone on do-not-disturb and drops it onto the bathroom floor. It clatters loudly against the tile floor. _I hope the screen shattered_. He pulls his knees inside his oversized sweatshirt and pulls the strings of the hood tightly closed around his face. In his dark, warm cocoon, Kenma finally releases a sob. His body shakes violently as he cries.

Kenma can’t think straight, everything makes him think of Kuroo, and Kuroo is lost to him now. Kenma is inconsolable. _It's ruined. I ruined everything. You’re gone. I fucked it up._ Tears and snot and saliva leak from his face, soaking his sweatshirt. He rocks back and forth, holding his knees against his chest. Quietly crying and drowning in despair until the sun begins to set. Kenma doesn’t move. He doesn’t get up. Even though his back begins to arch from the hard surface, Kenma stays up. He watches the light of day slowly die, leaving him in a funeral shroud of night, while he rocks in his bathtub.

It is awkward. Kuroo came over yesterday despite Kenma’s confession the day before. Kenma cried after because it was so awful. They don’t talk. Kuroo reads. Kenma games. Kenma yearns, longs for what was lost by his stupid words. _I shouldn’t have said anything._ Regret doesn’t suit Kenma, but it's all he has left of his previously full relationship with Kuroo. Kenma tries to distract himself with anything and everything. He checks his phone every five minutes. He plays every game he owns. He watches TV. Anything to keep him from thinking. Kenma can’t sleep. It's too dangerous. Kuroo lurks in the corners of his dreams.

Today, Kenma tried gaming. He tried watching TV. He tried eating. He tried Instagram, TikTok, Reddit, Twitter. He tried everything he could think of to stay preoccupied. It's no use. He gave up. And now here he is. Somehow he ended up in the bathtub and oversized sweatshirt again, hiding from the world in a tiny ball. His phone buzzes against the linoleum tub. Kenma checks it, ready for any kind of distraction.

Kuroo: <<< im coming over >>>

Kenma rereads the messages. Why does he want to see me? Kenma groans to himself. Yet another tear leaks from his eye. Despite everything, Kenma notes that it's unusual for Kuroo not to ask. Kenma responds.

Kenma: <<< k >>>

Less than a second after touching the send button, Kenma hears his bedroom door snap open. Kenma jumps. _Already? I thought I’d get a minute._ Kenma doesn’t have time to move, to hide his tears, before Kuroo’s head pops around the open doorway. _Shit. Shit. Shit._

Kuroo looks strange. His eyes have dark circles and his hair is more mangled than usual. His eyes are wide and he seems jumpy. Kenma squints at him, trying to dissect his new appearance.

Kuroo looks confused, “Why are you in the bathtub?”

Kenma looks at his toes and frowns.

Kuroo quickly walks over and sits down on the floor next to the tub. He chews on his thumb nail and pats down his hair, self consciously.

“Ken, we need to talk.”

Kenma doesn’t move. He doesn’t breath. Fear consumes him. _This is it. This is the last time I get to see you, isn’t it?_ Kenma stares harder at his toes, feeling yet another wave of tears beginning to form.

“Ken. I fucked up. I can’t just be friends with you.”

It hits him like a truck. _I don’t think I can survive this_. Kenma replays the words that end his world over in his head. _just be friends. just. just?_ Kenma looks up at Kuroo, feeling very confused. _Just be friends? Am I reading into things again?_ Kuroo is hunched over, with his head buried in his hands.

“Fuck. How did you do this so easily?”

Kenma stops breathing. His heart begins to race now.

Kuroo looks at Kenma through his finger tips. His eyes meet Kenma’s immediately, piercing directly into what feels like the depths of Kenma’s soul.

“I have feelings for you too.”

_Wait. What?_ Kenma’s brain freezes while his heart hammers. He opens and closes his mouth a couple of times trying to speak, before giving up and just letting it hang open.

“But…”

Kuroo rubs down his face with his hands and then hangs his head.

“I know what I said. I… I’m scared. I don’t want to hurt you, Ken. This world, it isn’t kind to people like us and I thought I could maybe keep you safer that way.”

Tears begin to well in Kenma’s eyes, and Kenma looks back at his toes.

“But, I couldn’t do it. When you told me, I was so happy. I never could have hope, or dreamed that you felt the same way. But, then, I just got so scared and I froze. I didn’t know what to do, and I messed up. I am so sorry, Ken.” Kuroo’s voice fades to a whisper, “I’m sorry.”

Kenma hiccups with a sob and looks at Kuroo. Kuroo’s face pops up coated with worry. His eyes look glassy.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Kuroo whispers.

Kenma begins to blubber in coherently, still trying to figure out how he’s feeling, “I… you… really?”

Kenma flushes deeply and chews on his lip. A tear drips down his cheek, rolling across his hand, and soaking into the sleeve of his sweatshirt. He flicks his eyes up to Kuroo’s.

“Are you sure?”

Kuroo grins a little, crookedly, sadly, “Yeah, Ken. I’ve felt this way for way too long about you not to be certain. I just didn’t know how to tell you.” Kuroo sighs, “There are a lot of things I don’t understand or know, but I’m sure about you.”

Kuroo looks into Kenma’s eyes with a small smile. His eyes seem to shine even in the dim light. Kenma can feel the love behind his eyes and his breath halts in his throat. Everything Kenma has been holding explodes. A sob erupts from Kenma and tears run from his eyes. Kenma can’t think but he needs Kuroo. He scrambles over the side of the tub, slipping slightly, banging his knee on the edge of the tub. Kenma jumps on to Kuroo, tackling him to the ground. Kenma wraps his arms around Kuroo’s neck as they fall backwards. Kenma sinks his fingers into Kuroo’s shirt holding onto it for dear life and squeezing Kuroo closer.

Kenma feels Kuroo’s face against his neck, a soft smile pressing against sensitive skin. His fingers sink into Kenma’s hair and run along his back. Kenma cries more, his body shaking and Kuroo whispering in his ear.

“I’m sorry, Ken. I’m so sorry.”

Kenma takes a shaky breath and squeezes Kuroo closer, eliciting a soft oof.

Kenma forces out words through tears, “Stop apologizing. I missed you, stupid.”

Kuroo begins to laugh. A soft giggle at first which blooms into a cackle. He pulls away slightly, laying back onto the bathroom floor. Kuroo smiles at Kenma and wipes tears off of his face.

“Yeah. Yeah. Lay it on. I deserve it.”

Kenma smiles and laughs a little. Kenma runs his fingers down the side of Kuroo’s face. Kuroo leans into his touch, nestling his cheek in the palm of Kenma’s hand. Kenma’s heart flutters. It's what he’s wanted. To be here, like this, with you. Kuroo looks at Kenma and turns his head slightly to kiss Kenma’s palm. The place where his lips brush Kenma’s skin burns. Kenma blushes, but can’t look away. He sniffs in the rest of his tears.

Kenma tries to comprehend the situation before him. Kuroo is lying underneath him having also confessed his affections. _Is this happening, Kuroo?_ Kenma briefly contemplates whether or not this is a dream, but decides he no longer cares. He smiles widely at Kuroo who takes Kenma’s hand from his face and holds it to his chest. Kenma feels Kuroo’s heart beating just as fast as his own in his chest.

“Can I kiss you?” The question makes Kenma’s hair stand on end and excitement floods his body.

Kenma nods.

Kuroo sits up and places his hands delicately on Kenma’s cheeks. Kenma can’t control his limbs and sits happily helpless in his Kuroo’s lap. Kuroo moves closer, his eyes gleam as they look at Kenma’s slightly parted lips. He pauses to look up into Kenma’s eyes. They are soft and inviting and familiar. Kenma loves them. Kuroo flicks his gaze back down to Kenma’s lips, guiding them to his own.

Kenma has longed for this moment, but it's different than he imagined. As Kuroo’s lips press against his own, Kenma is filled with a fluttering feeling. His heart pounds, but he feels light, lifting into the sky by joy that explodes from his very soul. Nothing has ever felt so right.

Kenma kisses Kuroo back, while his hands slides from Kenma’s cheeks to down along his spine, leaving a trail of glowing warmth. Regaining control of his limbs, Kenma wraps his arms around Kuroo’s neck, pulling him closer. He parts his lips slightly and runs his tongue along Kuroo’s bottom lip. Kuroo’s hands sink to Kenma’s hips. His fingertips dig slightly into Kenma’s flesh. Kenma sucks on Kuroo’s bottom lip, pulling the soft flesh into his mouth.

Kuroo trembles under Kenma’s touch, and Kenma hears Kuroo’s breath hitch in his throat. Kuroo pulls away and rests his forehead against Kenma’s shoulder. He is breathing hard. Hot pants caress Kenma’s collarbone. Kenma looks sideways at Kuroo lying against him. His cheeks are rosy, and Kenma can only assume his are too. Kuroo sits more upright and kisses Kenma’s cheek and then his jaw and his neck before sinking back onto his shoulder. Kenma feels limp and giddy.

“Thank you for… I don’t know, being patient with me… for waiting for me.” Kuroo mumbles into Kenma’s collar.

Kenma scrunches Kuroo’s shirt under his fingers of one hand and slides the other through Kuroo’s hair. Kenma kisses Kuroo’s head. _I’d wait a lifetime for you._

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

August - six months ago

Okaasan: <<< We’ll be home later than expected. There are leftovers in the fridge. >>>

Kenma: <<< ok. thank you. see you when you get back. >>>

Kenma drops his phone and returns to his game. The click of the mouse fills his room. Only the flashing lights of the screen illuminate the dim room. Curtains are drawn tight to block out the bright summer sun. His phone buzzes again. Kenma sighs, expecting his mother. He pauses the game and picks up the phone.

Kuroo: <<< wyd rn? >>>

Kenma: <<< nothing. my parents aren’t home tho >>>

Kenma: <<< ;) >>>

Kenma laughs to himself and then resumes his game. Kuroo went into the city today, so it should be a while before he gets back. I can finish this and then take a shower. But the game is harder than Kenma expected. His phone buzzes unnoticed next to him. His screen lights up to display new messages, while Kenma’s eyes remain plastered to the screen.

Kuroo: <<< is that so??? >>>

Kuroo: <<< omw >>>

Kenma is completely absorbed in the new challenge, unaware of the passage of time. He is consumed by the task in front of him. The sounds of the front door opening and the rapid footsteps heading up the stairs fall onto unhearing ears.

With a snap, Kenma’s bedroom bursts open. Kenma’s focus is broken. Startled, he whirls around and jumps to his feet. Kuroo stands in his doorway, panting and bent over. His hands support himself on his thighs as he catches his breath. Kenma looks back at his game. You lost! flashes on the screen. Kenma frowns.

“What’s wrong with you?” Kenma is frustrated. _You interrupted my game._ He glares at Kuroo. He checks his phone with a huff and sees texts from Kuroo. Only 30 minutes has passed since he sent them. Kenma now looks up at Kuroo, his frustration fading with confusion taking its place. Kuroo is still panting and staring at the floor.

“How did you get here so fast?” Kenma prods.

Kuroo straightens up still out of breath, but grins at Kenma.

“I… ran,” he swallows and takes a deep breath, “from… the train station.”

Kenma begins to do the math in his head. The time it would take to ride the train back to the station. The time it takes to get to the station normally. It sums up to Kuroo ran too fast and too far to get to him.

Kenma frowns at Kuroo, “Is this because I said my parents weren’t home?”

Kuroo smiles devilishly and begins to unbutton his shirt. Kenma gulps. His only semi-forced, petty frustration falling from his face. Kenma feels heat rise in his cheeks as Kuroo stares intently at him across the room.

“Oh.” Kenma hears the squeak of his voice escape from his throat. He is a lot pitchier than he meant to be as Kuroo drops the white button front to the floor and walks slowly towards Kenma. His beautifully sculpted body glistens with sweat. At this moment, Kenma feels really grateful for volleyball. Kuroo's small nipples stand in contrast to his tight pecs. His abs are irritatingly defined and… Kenma swallows. His eyes linger on Kuroo’s hips. The only word that comes to his mind is cumgutters. Kenma reprimands himself for even thinking that word. Kuroo approaches Kenma. Their closeness makes Kenma tingle. Kuroo pauses. His lips are slightly parted as he looks down at Kenma. He leans closer, resting his chest against Kenma. The gentle weight pushes Kenma into the desk. They sink into each other's weight and warmth. Kuroo’s hand snakes up to Kenma’s cheek, tilting his face up. The rough calluses on his fingertips catch on Kenma’s skin, causing him to shiver. Kenma breathes him in, admiring Kuroo’s face. His soft, kind eyes against his sharp features.

Kuroo smiles softly down at Kenma.

“How could I pass up on this golden opportunity, Ken?”

Kuroo’s fingers brush a strand of hair from Kenma’s face.

Kenma scoffs and tries to look away as his soft blush turns ruby red and burns over his cheeks. Kuroo tsks softly. His other hand blocks Kenma’s frail escape, forcing him to meet his eye. Kuroo’s eyes glint. Even in the pale light of Kenma’s bedroom, they glisten with excitement. Kenma bites back a smile.

“I’m going to kiss you now.” Kenma’s breath stops in his throat. His body feels like it glows with excitement and anticipation as Kenma watches Kuroo in almost slow motion. Kuroo’s parted lips, messy hair, and sheer closeness. _I’m never going to get used to this._

Kuroo’s lips press warmly against his own. Part of Kenma wants to run. Run from this intimacy, this closeness, this vulnerability, but Kuroo’s hands hold Kenma in place. They anchor him, ground him, remind him of his love. Kenma’s knees feel weak as he leans further into the desk. Kenma lets his full weight skin onto the desk. Without it, Kenma is sure he would not still be standing. Kenma’s body feels weak, as Kuroo’s tongue grazes Kenma’s lips. His fingers caress gently across Kenma’ cheeks, jaw, and neck. Kuroo’s tongue drifts again across his lips. Kenma can’t help shudder against Kuroo, as he parts his lips and Kuroo pushes his tongue inside. Kenma runs his own against Kuroo’s. Kuroo pulls away gently and stares down at Kenma.

Suddenly, the mood changes. Kuroo’s strong finger releases Kenma’s face. Kuroo slides his finger through Kenma's hair, gripping his bun. Kuroo yanks it, tugging Kenma’s face back and breaking their closeness. Kenma takes a shuddering gasp and feels his knees go weak with anticipation as Kuroo looks down at him hungrily.

Kenma grins and gulps in another breath. It took a little while to get Kuroo on board with certain acts Kenma is particularly fond of, one of which is hair pulling, but he came around. Kenma is thrilled. His heart pounds and his pants start to feel a bit too tight.

Kenma keeps smiling at Kuroo and breathes huskily. Kenma watches his dark eyes flit around the corners of his mouth.

Kuroo’s lips quirk with a half grin, “I have an idea. Follow my lead?” His face gets more serious, “But just say the word and we can stop, pause, take a break, whatever.”

Kenma nods and smirks. _Kuroo can be so sincere_ , “Ok, captain.”

Kuroo makes a face and rolls his eyes to which Kenma giggles. Kenma feels a little feisty today and mulls over other ideas to tease Kuroo. Before anything can come to fruition, Kuroo’s eyes glint brightly. Some devilish glistens in their depths. His hand loosens its grip in Kenma’s hair and drops to Kenma’s neck. Kuroo’s calloused fingers glide over the smooth skin. Kenma huffs at his touch, longing and excitement building within him. Kuroo’s grip tightens on Kenma’s fragile skin and he pushes Kenma’s back into the adjacent wall. Kenma hits the wall with a slight thud and whimpers against Kuroo’s firm, but still gentle grip. Kenma’s heart races as he gasps against Kuroo’s strong hand. Kenma feels himself begin to strain in earnest against his sweatpants.

Kuroo bends forward and slips his hand into Kenma’s sweats. Kenma’s eyes flutter as Kuroo runs his fingers down Kenma’s length. His fingers slide rhythmically and steadily up and down him. Kuroo leans forward, even closer to Kenma. Kenma’s breath rasps and struggles to focus under Kuroo’s hands on his body. Kuroo’s pace slows and his thumb gently grazes Kenma’s tip. Kenma gasps again and strains against him, as Kuroo’s thumb continues to circle. Kuroo’s hot breath blows on Kenma’s neck and his rough hands control Kenma’s body. Kenma whines and struggles for more.

Kuroo whispers huskily, “Stop being such a brat.”

Kenma attempts to release a moan but it turns into a choking rasp, as Kuroo leans closer and bites his earlobe. Sensation builds in Kenma’s body as Kuroo continues to touch him, gentle and steady.

“What are you doing?” Kuroo’s voice is commanding. It sends chills through Kenma’s body, “Touch me.”

Kenma’s eyes flips open and he immediately obeys under Kuroo’s steely gaze. Kenma slides his hand down Kuroo’s sculpted abdomen, unbuttoning his pants and slipping his hand inside. He grips Kuroo’s cock, stroking it gently while Kuroo strokes his. Kuroo groans and leans his head on Kenma’s shoulder, taking a couple panting breaths. Kenma leans back against the wall. His head feels fuzzy from all the excitement and sensation he feels.

“Stop,” Kuroo’s voice his hoarse.

Kenma obeys and removes his hand nervously, anticipation still coursing through his veins. Kuroo removes his hands from Kenma’s pants. Kenma itches for more touch. He whimpers in frustration. Kuroo huffs out a deep breath. He slips his fingers into Kenma’s hair. Kenma’s eyes widen and a devious smile pricks his lips. He grips Kuroo’s wrist firmly. Kuroo tugs Kenma’s hair and forcefully drags him to the bed. Kenma gasps as pleasure and pain mix. He groans audibly as Kuroo shoves him back onto the bed. Kenma pants excitedly as he looks up with Kuroo. Toned muscles glisten as his muscular body glistens with sweat. Kenma wants it all; wants him all. Kenma smiles as he lusts after Kuroo. He stretches his arms over his head and playfully runs his toes along Kuroo’s thigh, trying to be seductive. Kuroo softly smacks it away and moves towards the bed. Kuroo climbs on top of him, straddling his upper thighs. Kuroo leans forward slowly. Kenma’s breath hitches in his throat as Kuroo begins to suck on his collarbone. The soft sucking turns into a bite, and Kenma whines. His muscles contract compulsively under the sharp feeling.

“Touch yourself,” Kuroo commands softly as his lips press against Kenma’s chest.

Kenma hesitates, curious to see what Kuroo will do if he decides to be bratty. A mischievous smile lurks on his lips.

Kuroo looks up at him and raises an eyebrow, “Do you want me to force you?”

A simple phrase quietly spoken and yet Kenma’s cock hardens from it. He quickly runs his fingers up and down his own shaft. Kuroo sits up and watches intently. Kenma begins to caress his tip. Kuroo’s eyes trace the movement of his fingers. Kenma feels exposed, vulnerable. It makes his heart race. He lets out a soft moan to remind Kuroo that he makes him like this. He watches Kuroo watch him do this to himself. Kuroo’s eyes float up Kenma, tracing the contour of his body. He pauses as their eyes meet.

“Touch me too,” Kuroo breaths.

Kenma obeys quickly this time. His fingers wrap around the head of Kuroo’s cock. He slowly pushes the tip and between his thumbs and palm. Kuroo’s eyelids flutter. Kenma’s mouth falls open slightly at the guttural reaction to his touch. Kuroo leans forward and grips the bed sheets as Kenma continues to pleasure the two of them. Kenma smiles and begins to pump up and down the length of their cocks.

“The head, Kenma,” Kuroo’s breath voice drifts over him. It's lost its commanding edge. Kuroo’s desperation for his touch, for him seeps through.

Kenma shudders and adjusts his method accordingly. His own pre-cum begins to drip through his fingers. Sensation builds strongly in Kenma. Kuroo reaches out a hand next to Kenma’s cheek.

“Spit,” Kuroo’s breath is choppy and labored.

Kenma feels a bit confused at first, but leans his head slightly, still watching Kuroo. Spittle drips slowly from his mouth and across his cheek into Kuroo’s outstretched palm, as they pant. Kuroo takes his palm full of liquid and lets it drip slowly onto his cock. Kenma begins to pant harder and work faster. He can feel himself edging closer. Kenma’s fingers slip more easily over Kuroo now. Kuroo reaches out again. Kenma spits into his hand again.

Uncaptured spit rolls of Kenma’s cheek into his hair. Without breaking eye contact, Kuroo lets the spit drip onto Kenma. The added slickness sends Kenma over the edge.

“Fuck. Shit. Oh god, Tetsurou,” His hips buck, and he cried out as pleasure overrides his senses. Kenma can only see red as warmth soaks into his clothes. He heard himself gasps and pants. Kenma blinks his eyes open and looks up at Kuroo who is smiling at him.

“Good?”

Kenma chuckles and nods, “You’re getting too good at this.”

Kuroo grins, “Happy to oblige.”

Kuroo goes to move off of Kenma, but Kenma stops him, resting a hand on Kuroo’s waist. His hands had fallen to the bed, leaving Kuroo unattended.

“You haven’t cum yet.”

Kenma frowns a little, looking up at Kuroo. Kuroo shrugs.

“I can finish myself.”

Kuroo goes to leave again, but Kenma’s fingers grip him more tightly.

“Wait. I want to try something.” Kenma pauses and purses his lips, feeling a little nervous at his request. Kuroo nods and waits.

“I want you to fuck me in my mouth,” Kenma blurts out.

Kuroo blinks slowly and then opens his eyes comically wide. He audibly gulps. Kenma covers his mouth trying to keep from smiling, as Kuroo turns vibrantly red to the tips of his ears. Kenma reaches out and places his hand around Kuroo’s still hard cock. He deliberately slides his thumb across Kuroo’s tip. Kuroo shudders.

“Sure. If… if you are. Are you?” Kuroo gulps out.

Kenma nods and smiles, “I’m sure.”

Kuroo inches forward, resting his knees in the pits of Kenma’s arms. He places his hands above Kenma’s head. Kuroo looks down at Kenma. Kenma nods and opens his mouth. Kuroo smiles and sinks his cock into Kenma’s open mouth. Kenma closes his lips over Kuroo’s length. He feels Kuroo hit the back of his throat. He gaps slightly and squeezes his thumbs trying to contain it. His eyes water as he feels his throat contract violence again.

Kuroo audibly chokes on his breath, “Shit.”

Kenma takes a deep breath through his nose and squeezes his thumb tighter. This time, he doesn’t gag. Kenma has been practicing. He begins to suck.

Kuroo groans and Kenma feels the sheets shift as Kuroo digs his nails into them. Kuroo pulls back, slightly before thrusting slowly back into Kenma’s throat. Kenma swallows calculatedly around the head of Kuroo’s cock. Kuroo makes a choking sound. His breath is ragged.

“Kenma. Fuck.”

He thrusts again. Kenma continues to swallow and suck. Kuroo begins to trust more quickly, but not fast. Kenma slides his hands along Kuroo’s trusting hips and buttocks. Kuroo begins to moan and whines with pleasure as Kenma begins to hum softly. Kenma savors the sounds of Kuroo’s pleasure, trying to shape his actions to increase it.

Before long, Kuroo begins to pant loudly and his body shakes as he cums in Kenma’s mouth. Kenma feels cum spray against the back of his throat and coat the inside of his mouth. Kenma swallows it down as Kuroo continues to shake and gasp at the movement of his throat. Kuroo slides out of Kenma’s mouth. Spit stretches between Kenma’s lips and the tip of Kuroo’s cock.

Kuroo collapses on the bed next to Kenma. His eyes are closed as he pants, trying to recover some semblance of a breath. Kenma sits up and gets some water from his nightstand as he happily watches Kuroo. His throat may be sore tomorrow, but this is worth it. Seeing Kuroo completely debilitated in this way is worth it. Kuroo opens his mouth to say something, but his lips move soundlessly. Kenma puts down his water and sits next to Kuroo, grinning. Kuroo reaches out and pulls Kenma onto his chest. Kenma smiles into the crook of Kuroo’s neck. He hears Kuroo swallow.

Kuroo’s hands find his chin and tilt it up. Kuroo leans over and kisses Kenma deeply. His hand rests on Kenma’s cheek as he kisses him. Kenma runs his fingers over Kuroo’s wrist, sinking into the gentle kiss. Kuroo breaks away and drops his head back onto the bed, squeezing Kenma against him. Kenma sinks in wrapping an arm tightly around Kuroo’s chest.

“Did you like that?”

Kenma looks up at Kuroo who begins making incoherent noises and gesticulating wildly. His arms collapse onto the floor in vain. Kenma giggles and Kuroo takes a deep breath.

He looks down at Kenma with love and admiration, “How the fuck did you do that?”

Kenma laughs, “I eat more bananas than I used to.”

Kuroo scoffs and kisses Kenma’s forehead.

“Teach me. Please. You’ve got to try that. I mean, wow.”

Kenma smiles as Kuroo showers him with more kisses.


	4. 4. Online Love

October - four months ago 

Hinata: <<< what are u doing sat? >>>

Kenma: <<< mmmm, nothing. why? >>>>

Hinata: <<< have to go to a museum for art history. wanna come? >>>

Kenma: <<< ok >>>

Hinata: <<< you could at least pretend to be enthusiastic >>>

Kenma: <<< 🥳 >>>

Kenma stares out the window of the train. He perches backwards on the green plastic seat next to Hinata, his chin resting on crossed arms. He watches downtown whisk by through a smudged and scratched window. Kenma tries to read a sloppily etched phrase in the glass. My boi. He looks through the words. Colorful billboards beacon him from glisten skyscrapers. He can see these buildings from his room. They feel anticlimactic up close. The ethereal smog that usually surrounds them is peeled away and their anonymity destroyed. Ads for cell phone providers and new food delivery services slide past. The train begins to slow.

“Next stop: downtown.” An automated voice sounds over the intercom, sliding over the rumble of the car. The train stops and its door whoosh open, as people bustle in and off. Kenma watches a couple stop off the train, holding hands. They pause and the girlfriend stands on her tiptoes to kiss her boyfriend lightly on the lips. Time creeps along slowly and Kenma can’t take his eyes away. The couple breaks apart and scampers away, off the platform, and down the stairs to the bustling street below.

Kenma sighs and looks over at Hinata. His friend sits, slouched, immersed in a worn paperback. The nematic doors hiss closed and the train begins to pick up speed. Kenma decides to watch Hinata for a bit. The captivating buildings, sliding from view to be replaced by repetitive residential neighborhoods. Hinata’s face is in a slight frown. He absentmindedly chews his thumb as he contemplates the words on the page. His knee bounces rapidly up and down while he reads. The page crinkles as Hinata turns it. Kenma leans over to try to see what he’s reading. Hinata looks up at him and lifts the book to show Kenma the cover.

Lessons from a Tea Shop

Kenma can’t quite make out the author’s name. Iroh Something. Hinata’s finger is in the way.

“What’s it about?”

“Um, that’s kind of hard to explain. It's basically this guy's memoir. He tells stories about his life to explain his philosophies on, well, life. Uh, I guess it's about mindfulness. That’s why I started reading it at least. It's really good. I can lend it to you when I’m done.”

Kenma nods a little and looks back out the window. Palm tree lined streets and boxy apartment buildings whisk by as the train winds out of the city. 

“Hinata, where exactly is this place?”

Hinata looks up at Kenma and closes his book to look over his shoulder and out the window. Hinata shrugs and pulls out his phone. Kenma peaks over at the small screen.

“We get off at the next stop,” he reassures Kenma with a slight smile. 

Kenma nods and Hinata returns to his book. Kenma watches the streets get wider and more tree lined. The mountains that seemed all so distant from his dorm room loom closer. Their previously purple sides now appear scraggly and green on closer inspection. Kenma flips around to sit properly in the green plastic chair. He crosses his arms and slides down in the seat. Kenma waits. The train begins to slow and Hinata snaps his book shut, shoving it into the canvas bag he has slung over his shoulder. He stands up, gripping the metal pole and nudges Kenma with his foot.

“Our stop.”

Kenma nods and hops up after him, following him towards the closest door. The train lurches to a stop and Kenma bumps into Hinata.

“Careful,” Hinata says softly while steadying Kenma with his free hand. The doors slide open and Kenma follows Hinata out. The air is warm on the platform. It's a lot quieter here than it is at school. Kenma trails after Hinata as he walks off the platform.

“Come on!” Hinata calls out to Kenma. Kenma groans and jogs to catch up with him. “We have to walk a couple blocks to the museum.”

The two walk next to each other in silence along sycamore lined streets to the art museum. It's nestled in a quiet neighborhood, hidden by trees. Its large sculpted metal walls look something like an art piece itself. They walk up to reception and hand over their students IDs: free admission for students. 

Hinata hands Kenma a museum guide, “My class is on Abstraction in the early to mid-1900s, so I’m going to mostly be here.” Hinata points to two galleries on the brochure, “But you don’t have to follow me around or anything. Oh, there’s also sculptures outside.” Hinata points to the rather expansive gardens outside.

Kenma nods, feeling a little lost and rather reluctant to explore the museum on his own.

“Start here and work your way through.” Hinata points to another section of the pamphlet, “You’ll be able to see how more modern styles of painting developed.”

Kenma takes a breath and nods, again.

Hinata smiles toothily, “If you need me, I’ll be with Picasso.”

Kenma huffs out a chuckle and heads towards the gallery Hinata selected for him. Kenma wanders through dim galleries of dark oil paintings. The squints at the delicate brush work of the vaguely repetitive portraits and landscapes. He quietly walks from room to room. As he moves through the galleries towards newer work, he does notice stylistic aspects begin to change. The brush strokes become looser, less precise. The paintings become more like feelings and less like pictures. 

Kenma smiles to himself as he heads into a more brightly lit, long and narrow gallery. He walks by more paintings, until he reaches one. As soon as his eyes find it, he feels sunlight beat down on him and a summer breeze wash over him, blowing soft puffy clouds across the sky. The smell of life, foliage growing up from the dirt. The soft smell of flowers and ripening fruit. Kenma is frozen, staring into sunshine and summer itself.

A small tear spills from his eye. He gasps a little to himself and wipes it away hurriedly. Kenma steps closer, almost hoping that this painting is a window into a secret garden. The placard reads: The Artist's Garden at Vetheuil by Claude Monet. From up close, the painting is abstracted. The brushstrokes of bright color lose their meaning and return to their reality: paint. Kenma sighs. He looks around for Hinata, a desperate urge to show him this painting. 

Hinata is in the next gallery examining paintings and taking notes in a notebook. Kenma walks quickly over to him.

“Hinata,” he whispers, “come look at this.”

“Give me a sec,” Hinata’s tongue sticks out of the corner of his mouth as he focuses, scribbling indecipherable messy notes onto the page.

Kenma looks at the painting Hinata is studying. Its blocky, geometric shapes create a rough portrait. Hinata was right. He can see the progress towards complete abstraction. Kenma looks down the gallery further to matching panels at the far end of the hall stretch floor to ceiling. Blue, green, and yellow paint splattered haphazardly across their surface. Kenma looks back to Hinata, still scribbling. 

Kenma turns around to examine the room of other cubists. Their work feels sharp to Kenma; it lacks the grace of the summery painting from the other room. Kenma boredly walks up and down the room, looking at vaguely recognizable visages and still lives. He wanders back to Hinata, and leans over his shoulder.

“Almost done…” Hinata snaps his notebook closed, “What did you want to show me?”

Kenma points and walks towards the painting. Hinata follows behind him. 

Kenma stops in front of the painting and just stares at it. The lightness of summer washes over him all over again. Kenma feels like he’s floating and feels a smile spread over his lips. He turns to Hinata who is looking quite peacefully at the painting before him

“Why this one?”

Kenma pauses. Hinata’s question surprises him. Kenma thinks.

“It made me think of you, I guess.”

The words feel awkward and sentimental leaving his lips. Hinata smiles widely. He blushes deeply and Kenma scoffs a little. Hinata scratches the back of his head and clears his throat.

“Well, thanks.”

Kenma nods, still feeling awkward, “Sorry to have made you stop working.”

Hinata waves his hand, “Nah, I got what I needed from Picasso. He was a complete asshole. I don’t even know why we spend so much time on his work. He was important to the progress of art or something,” Hinata rolls his eyes and Kenma smiles a little, “Want to go look at the last gallery?”

Kenma nods and they walk through the cubists to the last collection. Sculptures and paintings, all abstracted in someway and brightly colored fill the warmly lit room. Kenma tails Hinata through the exhibit, not really sure what exactly he should be appreciating. Hinata has been surprisingly quiet today. Kenma squints at his friend who is inspecting a larger painting of a woman holding white lilies. 

“Diego Rivera was also an asshole,” Hinata notes, before shifting his attention to nearly ceiling height lanky statues. Hinata walks over to the massive canvases on the far wall and Kenma follows.

“Do you want to go to the beach after?” Hinata asks Kenma while staring at the paintings before them.

“Yeah that sounds nice. I haven’t been yet.”

“Kenma! What have you been doing? Why move here if you’re not going to go to the beach?” Hinata scolds jokingly, “The beaches here are beautiful, especially a little north of the city.” Hinata takes a step closer and looks up at the splattered canvas. He says in almost a whisper, “Pollock has always been one of my favorite artists.”

Kenma looks up at the bold colors and inventive technique. It makes him smile.

Hinata hollers and sprints towards the sand. He laughs as his feet sink into the soft yellow sand. Hinata’s joy is contagious. Kenma jogs after him, kicking his shoes once he reaches the sand.

“Beach!” Hinata screams and runs into the sea. Kenma laughs and runs after him.

“Hinata! Wait up!”

Hinata cackles and kicks some water at Kenma. Kenma shrieks and tries to dodge the salty splash. Kenma pouts jokingly, but can’t manage to hold it as Hinata grins at him. Hinata turns towards the setting sun, with his hands resting on his hips and takes a deep breath. The small waves roll around Kenma’s ankles. The water is cool as the sun begins to set. Kenma breathes in the salty air and closes his eyes, letting the sounds of nature wash over him. 

A big wave hits Kenma a little harder than he expected, breaking his focus. The water goes all the way up to his thighs, soaking his rolled up jeans. Hinata squeals as he fails to avoid the watery demise of his once dry cargo shorts. Kenma giggles, feeling resigned to his damp and sandy fate. They make their way through the slowly creeping tide towards the soft, yellow sand. Rocks and tiny sand crabs nibble at the bottom of Kenma’s feet, making him squirm and walk faster to shore.

Kenma drops down next to Hinata in the still warm sand. Everything is bathed in a bright yellow glow, as the sun continues to sink towards the ocean. Kenma sighs and smiles.

“Where are they?” Hinata mumbles to himself, rifling through his bag.

Kenma looks over, “Where are what?”

“I brought two granola bars for us. Goddamn,” Hinata keeps digging.

How much does he have in there?

“Can I hold anything?” Kenma offers.

“Sure. Yes!” Hinata starts piling various things into Kenma’s lap. A cardigan, a wallet, a water bottle, a book. Kenma turns the book over in his hand and looks at the picture of the author on the back. A jolly grey-hair man with a steaming cup of tree grins back at him. Kenma smiles back and looks over at Hinata.

“Ah ha!” Hinata holds two granola bars up, “I knew I brought them! I’ll take my junk back,” Hinata beacons and Kenma hands over the pile of items to Hinata. In exchange, Kenma gets a granola bar.

“These are my favorite,” Hinata rambles, as he rips open the package and takes a bite. Kenma follows suit, “My mom would always buy them for me.” Hinata chuckles to himself and takes another bite, shaking his head, “Kageyama really liked them too.” Hinata looks a little pained, “He would dip them in milk.” Hinata takes another bite of the bar. 

Kenma nods. Hinata doesn’t usually talk about Kageyama. He doesn’t usually talk about anything. Kenma chews on the inside of his lip.

“Um, Hinata,” Kenma pauses, “I know you don’t like talking but… stuff. But I’m here if you,” Kenma swallows, “need it.”

Hinata laughs and falls onto his back, “Thanks.”

Kenma continues, “If you ever want to… You just are there for me a lot and, I guess I wish I could be there for you in the same way?” 

Kenma feels embarrassed just saying that outloud. He takes another bite of granola bar and looks over at Hinata. He’s no longer smiling, just looking up at the fading blue sky. Hinata looks drained, a distant version of his usually enthusiastic and upbeat self. 

Kenma waits. Even though things feel a bit tense, Kenma says nothing and stares at Hinata. These kinds of uncomfortable silence, generally fill Kenma with dread, but this silence feels different.

Hinata takes a deep breath, “Kageyama and I have spoken since we left for school.”

Hinata words linger in the air, mingling with the salt. Kenma nods not sure exactly how to proceed. What would Hinata say to me?

“Um… what happened?”

Hinata sits up and begins playing with the sand in front of him, scooping up big handfuls and letting it slide through his fingers. His face looks slightly contorted.

“I don’t know. We were so close for so long and then nothing. I call him and text him about once a week and never hear anything back.” Hinata takes a deep breath. Kenma takes another bite of his bar, listening, “Sometimes, he’ll text a sorry I was busy or something, but it's just been nothing.”

Hinata looks out over the ocean and chews on his granola bar, “I thought… I thought that maybe we’d be something more. Once we got out of our old town, away from our families, and just got away from it all. That’d we be free, you know?”

Hinata looks over at Kenma. Kenma nods solemnly back. Hinata’s face is expressionless; Kenma can’t decipher a thing. He opens his mouth to speak, to ask if Hinata is alright, but Hinata looks back at the rolling waves and keeps talking.

“Did you know I haven’t cried since my first year of high school? When we lost that last game. I was distraught. I had such high expectations for myself. I had worked so hard. Poured myself into this passion,” Hinata kicks at the sand, “And then nothing. It was just over.”

He takes a last bite of granola bar, stuffing the wrapper in his canvas bag and chewing slowly, “I’ve never really felt anything since then.”

Kenma stares at Hinata. Why didn’t you tell me?

Hinata laughs loudly and looks over at Kenma, with a huge grin on his face, “Sorry for being such a downer!” 

Kenma shakes his head violently, swallowing the last of food, “No! Don’t apologize. I’m sorry for not listening earlier.”

Hinata smiles a sad smile and looks at the sand.

Kenma adds, “I just want you to know, I’m around if you need it. If things ever get too much for just you.”

Hinata nods, “Same goes for you,” he looks over the water, “Oh shit! What times is it?” he begins rummaging for his phone, “Can miss the train!” Hinata retrieves his phone, “We’ve got ten minutes. Let’s head out.”

Kenma nods and stands up, doing his best to dust off his standing, damp jeans. Hinata motions for the wrapper Kenma is still holding. Kenma hands it off, so I can join its partner in the canvas bag. The two grab their shoes and walk off towards the train stop. 

“Today was really fun. Thanks for inviting me.”

“Of course. Thanks for keeping me company.”

Kenma sits at the edge of the sand and tries to remove the sand from between his toes. The sun continues to reach for the ocean. The light slowly turns a brilliant gold. Kenma slips his shoes on and looks out over the water one last time.

Click.

Kenma looks with surprise over at Hinata. His phone is out and pointing at Kenma. Kenma scowls. 

“Did you take a picture of me.”

Hinata grins, “Maybe. So when we're old, we can look back and remember.”

Kenma continues to frown.

Hinata looks at the ground, “And you look really pretty in this light, ok?”

Kenma flushes, “I thought we were going to miss our train.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

June - eight months ago: the day before Kenma graduates from high school 

Kenma jogs into his room, ripping open an envelope from miHoYo. He pulls out a download code for a beta update of Genshin Impact. A note slides out and onto the floor. Kenma picks it up and tries to read it. It's too dark in his room and night crept up on him unexpectedly. Kenma flips on his desk light.

Kodzuken! Here’s a new challenge on us.

\- your friends at miHoYo

Kenma chuckles and drops the note on the desk. He unlocks his PC, clicks through, and types in the code. Kenma scoots in his chair, grabbing his controller and headset. One day to beat it, so I can live stream tomorrow. Kenma focuses and navigates through the new game, the new world. 

Since last Fall and his first live stream, Kodzuken has exploded on the internet: his livestreams and videos getting millions of views. Kenma tries to keep a low profile, but he started making serious money off of this. Invitations to Expos and Conferences, paid speaking events, are beginning to feel more and more enticing. It makes Kenma happy: people are interesting and care about what he loves to do. Even though messy black hair and a quirk of a smile still are plastered across the walls of Kenma’s mind, he has found some peace and joy in his new solitary lifestyle. 

Nonetheless, Kenma’s heart is racing a little extra today. Kuroo just finished Spring Quarter and is home for the summer, not the whole time. Kenma feels grateful for any time with him. A couple of weeks is plenty for Kenma. Kenma continues to navigate the new game.

A notification pops up with a buzz on Kenma’s phone. He peaks over at it.

Kuroo: <<< wyd rn?>>>

Kenma pauses his game and drops his controller, diving for the other device. 

Kenma: <<< playing the new genshin >>>

Kuroo is typing.

Kuroo: <<< im coming over >>>

Kenma nods and closes his phone, resuming his game, mentally checking his enthusiasm. A few seconds later, Kuroo barges into Kenma’s room and flops onto his bed. Kenma continues playing his game, unphased by the intruder, even though his heart begins to beat a little faster and his breath flutters in his throat. 

Silence fills the room as Kenma continues to navigate the new virtual landscape. The click of his keyboard fills the room. From the reflection on the screen, Kenma can see Kuroo laying flat on his back, staring at the ceiling. Kuroo only comes over like this when things are bad at his house. 

Kenma purses his lips and hesitantly asks, “What happened?” A monster runs in front of Kenma and he slices its head off. 

Kuroo sighs, “Everyone is fighting and I couldn’t sleep. There’s too much screaming.”

Kenma nods along, listening, even though he continues to play.

“My dad thinks his mom is stealing money from him or something.”

Kuroo pauses and turns over towards Kenma.

“I thought I wouldn’t have to deal with this once I moved out.”

A loud crash followed by intense screaming shakes the room. Kenma jumps and looks at the window towards Kuroo’s house. Kuroo groans loudly, snatching up one of Kenma’s pillows and wrapping it around his head, hoping that it will mask the sounds he already tried to escape. Kenma pauses his game and gets up from his computer. He swallows and climbs onto his bed next to Kuroo, who is still lying there, eyes closed and pillow pressed around his ears. Kenma cautiously reaches out towards Kuroo. He places his hands on Kuroo’s shoulder and rubs it gently with his thumb. 

Kenma looks out the window, missing Kuroo opening his eyes and smiling up at him. A couple more minutes of muffed shouting proceed, before Kenma speaks.

“They stopped yelling.”

Kuroo huffs and drops the pillow. He stares sadly up at the ceiling. Kenma looks at his face. You’re really beautiful, Kuroo. Do you know that? His sharp features are somehow delicate and kind and patient. Kenma doesn’t know what to say. He ponders how to break the silence that has descended like a cage around them. 

“You can stay over tonight if you want.”

Kuroo flicks his eyes over to Kenma’s.

“Are you sure?”

Kenma nods and smiles a little, “Just don’t hog all the blankets.”

Kuroo’s sad expression melts as he breaks into a smile and then a laugh. Kuroo pats Kenma’s knee, “Thanks, Ken. Is it cool if I sleep now?”

Kenma scoffs and nods.

“Hey! I’m tired!”

Kenma shakes his head as he clicks off the desk lamp and resumes his game. He mutes it.

“Ok Grandma.”

Kuroo chuckles as he climbs under the blankets. 

“Night, Ken. Thank you.”

Kenma smiles and watches him in the reflection of his screen as Kuroo drifts off. Kenma keeps playing into the night, until he beats the game. He continues to watch Kuroo sleep in the reflection as he plays. Kenma shuts off his PC and goes into his bathroom to brush his teeth and wash his face. Kenma looks at himself in the mirror, tying back his hair as he bends over the sink. Kuroo dyed his hair a couple of years back in his bathtub, and Kenma hasn’t been able to bring himself to cut it since then. The bleach clings to his hair like Kenma’s feelings for Kuroo cling to every part of him. Kenma washes his face with cold water, taking a shaky breath, as his love for Kuroo washes over him. The feeling is endless and all encompassing. Kenma tried to let it go in the past, but it stuck. Everything about Kuroo sticks to him, so Kenma gave into it. He let his love fill him, fuel him. 

Kenma stopped feeling sad once he gave in. When he thinks of Kuroo, it no longer hurts in a debilitating way. It aches. It yearns. It blooms. Kenma smiles to himself as he clicks off the light and walks back into his room. He slowly climbs into bed with Kuroo, who is softly snoring and slightly drooling on the pillow next to Kenma. 

Kenma looks at him in the moonlight and smiles. Kuroo is effortlessly handsome, dark unmanageable locks swept across his face. Kenma snuggles under the blankets next to his friend and watches Kuroo until he too falls asleep. As his mind drifts towards sleeplessness, Kenma makes a promise to himself.

I am going to tell you how I feel. It's time for you to know.

Butterflies flit inside Kenma as he drifts into sleep.

The loud buzzing of an alarm awakens Kenma and his bleariness; he just lays there, snuggled up against something firm and warm. Kenma freezes as he blinks his eyes. His cheek is pressed against Kuroo's shoulder, his hand wrapped firmly around Kuroo’s bicep. Kenma looks up watching Kuroo’s eyes flutter open and yawn. Kuroo reaches across Kenma and turns off the alarm. Kenma stops breathing as Kuroo’s chest presses against his own. Kuroo flops onto his back and ruffles Kenma’s hair with a grin.

“Someone was snuggly.” Kuroo muses to himself and hops out of bed. He stretches and groans, heading straight into the bathroom. 

Kenma sucks in a breath, finally. His head is spinning. We cuddled and Kuroo was fine about it. Is this a sign? Or am I reading into things? Fuck! Kenma pushes himself upright in bed and looks at his hands, muddling through the dilemma at hand. Kuroo comes out of the bathroom and Kenma shuffles in behind him. 

“Hey thanks for letting me stay here.”

Kenma looks back and nods.

Kuroo chews on the inside of his lip, looking like he has a question. Kenma raises his eyebrows waiting.

“You still want me to come to your family things tonight?”

Kenma nods and Kuroo smiles, walking back towards the bed. Kenma after a pause adds hesitantly, “And if you want to come to my graduation… you know the ceremony, you can too?”

Kuroo whirls around.

“Of course I’ll be there for that!” Kuroo’s eyes are wide, “What kind of friend would I be if I missed that?”

Kenma smiles and nods.

“I’ll go change and be back in a few.”

Kenma nods, but amends, “Dress nice… for my grandparents. That navy suit. If you still have it.”

Kuroo raises an eyebrow and grins, “You sure?”

Kenma nods aggressively and points at his closet, wide-eyed. It lays half open with a three-piece suit hanging in front. It's black with red accents. Kuroo’s eyes go wide. He turns back to Kenma.

“Damn you were being serious. Ok! Navy it is!”

Kenma nods and steps into the bathroom. 

“Hey wait!”

Kuroo grabs Kenma’s wrist and turns him around. Kenma’s breath freezes in his throat. How do you make me feel like this so easily? Kenma feels his frustration become smothered by butterflies. His knees feel weak as Kuroo smiles widely and squeezes his wrist.

“I’m proud of you,” his voice is deep and sincere despite his jovial expression. He releases Kenma from his firm grip.

“Ok, see you soon!”

Kuroo stuffs his hands into his pockets and strides out of Kenma’s room. Kenma blinks and tries not to faint. He leans against the bathroom door and takes a deep breath. I need to take a shower.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

December - just over a year ago 

Kenma had not realized how much of his life involved Kuroo. The commute to school. Time in the locker room. Weekends spent lazing around. Kenma is completely miserable without him. Absolutely wretched. He doesn’t know what to do with himself. Kenma attempts to fill his time as a distraction. Last month, Kenma discovered a live stream program he liked and created a channel, just to give himself goals and something to focus on. However, every activity he used to do, he came to realize, involved Kuroo in some way. Video games meant Kuroo sprawled out on his bed reading. Homework meant breaks trading stories and snacks. Then there was volleyball. The gym lost exuberance as soon as Kuroo and the rest of the third years graduated. Kenma found himself needing to remind himself more and more that he did in fact still play, even if the person who got him playing in the first place was gone. Although he did not feel as connected to the sport, he still had one thing keeping him on his game.  
Kenma’s phone pings and he flips it over.

Hinata: <<>>

Kenma chuckles and heads out of his room. He stuffs his hands into his pockets and hops down the stairs to let Hinata in. Kenma barely opens the door before the red head bursts through. 

“Kenma!” Hinata screams, kicking off his shoes, “Thank you for having me over!”

Kenma smiles and nods, while closing the front door. Hinata places his shoes to the side and looks expectantly at Kenma, who beacons and heads for his room. Hinata is practically vibrating.

“Kenma your house is so cool! There’s so much art. Does anyone in your family paint? I wish I could paint. Don’t tell Kageyama, he’ll tease me too much, that asshole.”  
Kenma shakes his head with a smile.

Hinata bounces up the stairs behind Kenma.

“How’s your season going?” Kenma shrugs and opens the door to his room for Hinata, who leaps inside.

“Wow your room is so cool! My season is going really well. I can jump higher than Kageyama now and I can do jump serves and I can receive too! Nishinoya-senpai taught me Rolling Thunder before he graduated.”

Hinata rambles as he paces back and forth across Kenma’s room. Kenma smiles and chuckles to himself. He hasn’t changed a bit since we first met. Kenma picks up his controller and resumes his game while Hinata begins to jump on his bed. 

“Kenma! I saw your last live stream on Twitch. So many people were watching! Are you like famous now?” 

Kenma chuckles and shakes his head, “I don’t know about famous…” 

Hinata flops down next to him, “How many followers do you have?”

“Eh… on what platform?”

Hinata thinks and then yells, “Youtube!”

“Like… 10,000 subscribers last time I checked.”

“What really? That’s so cool! I’m so bad at video games. I can’t sit still and focus on them for long enough.” Hinata fades out and mimics using a video game controller. He jumps back to his feet and begins observing the various posters on Kenma’s walls. He wanders across Kenma’s bedroom. Kenma’s room was decorated by his mom, but Kuroo picked out a lot of the posters. Obscure punk rock bands and low-budget, art movies. Kenma doesn’t know all of them, but they do make his room significantly cooler and, of course, they were gifts from Kuroo.

“Hey Kenma,” Hinata’s voice is more calm, almost timid as he asks his question, “how’s it been without Kuroo?”

Kenma pauses his game and looks over at Hinata. He is playing with a pokemon pen on Kenma’s desk. Hinata watches a floating Ash chase a small Pikachu back and forth as he tips it from side to side. Kenma takes a deep breath. He wasn’t expecting that question to hit him that hard. His hands feel shaky. With those simple words, Kenma is reminded of the unspeakable loneliness and longing he feels in Kuroo’s absence. Kenma feels tears sting at his eyes, but he holds them in.

“Kinda hard,” Kenma says honestly, “but I have volleyball and, since my gaming’s been going well, I’ve been busy.”

Hinata nods, “This pen is so cool,” he holds it up to the light before returning it to the desk, albeit in the wrong place. 

“I don’t know what I’d do if Kageyama wasn’t around. He’s so stupid, but…” Hinata trails off and grabs another knickknack lying on Kenma’s desk: a rubix cube. He fiddles with the multicolored cube without making an attempt to solve it. 

Hinata changes the subject, “Did you apply to any schools?”

Kenma nods, “Yeah. I just got offered early admission at UJNT, where Kuroo goes.”

Hinata throws down the Rubix cube and jumps over to Kenma. Kenma jumps back a bit, startled.

“No way! I just got in contact with their volleyball coach! I think I might go there next year!”

Kenma smiles, “Yeah?”

Hinata collapses on the floor next to Kenma, “Oh my God! It’ll be so fun. Kenma!” Hinata shoots upright quickly. Kenma jumps in surprise even though he was looking right at him. “Let's room together. We can go to parties and make friends and I can finally beat that stupid Kageyama!” Their rivially is more of a bit now, but it still makes Kenma chuckle.

“It's a plan.” Kenma stretches out his hand and Hinata shakes it, “that’s if you get in.”

“Kenma! I will get in! Ever since Yachi tutored me my first year, even my grades are good!” Hinata pouts a little, “I even read for fun.”

Kenma laughs, “I believe you.” 

Hinata picks up a kendama from a shelf and begins trying to catch the wooden ball. Kenma resumes his game. 

After a minute of silence, Hinata asks, “Is Kuroo coming back for New Year’s?”

Kenma nods.

Hinata presses, “Are you excited to see him?”

Kenma nods.

“You haven’t seen him since he left for school?”

Kenma shakes his head. Hinata puts down the kendama and sits down next to Kenma. Hinata chews on his thumb and watches Kenma play his game. 

“I’m sure he misses you.”

Kenma nods. Kenma can feel himself tear up a bit. He switches the game to two player mode and hands Hinata an extra controller. It's his way of saying thank you.   
Kenma needed to hear that. Kenma misses Kuroo too much. It scares Kenma; it makes him nervous. Kenma dreams about Kuroo, quite literally. Even after months, Kenma still wakes up from dreams about Kuroo. Just his face, smiling, talking, looking at Kenma. Kenma blushes just remembering them. He even mistakenly thinks he sees Kuroo in public. Last week, Kenma yelled at and ran after a stranger in the grocery store thinking it was Kuroo.

Kenma understands why Kuroo hasn’t returned. Screaming matches from next door frequently disrupt Kenma’s playing. It's still hard.

He’ll be back in five days.


	5. 5. Heather

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning!
> 
> The following chapter contains a graphic description of Kenma’s fantasy about Kuroo. In this fantasy, Kenma says he’s not sure about a sexual act and then performs it anyway. No characters actually do any of the acts described; it's all in Kenma’s head. If this in any way makes you uncomfortable, feel free to skip it! It is not necessary for plot or character development; purely smut for the sake of smut.   
> Stop reading at “... feels distinctly wrong, in the best way” and begin again at, “Kenma bites his arm…”

December - just over a year ago

Kenma is nervous. He can’t sleep. He’ll be back tomorrow. He lies in his bed looking at the ceiling, alternating between chewing on his nails and compulsively checking social media, trying to distract his brain from the overwhelming prospect at hand: Kuroo returning home for the New Year. Kenma scrolls through his phone watching people celebrate all they have accomplished in the past year. Kenma throws his phone on his side table and tries to think of anything he did this year. Besides pining after Kuroo, Kenma cannot think of a single accomplishment. Kenma nibbles at his cuticle some more. 

His phone buzzes. He lunges for it. 

Kuroo: <<< I’ll be back tomorrow. Let’s hang! >>>

Kenma: <<< ok. >>>

Kenma drops his phone on his bed and flops onto the bed. He rolls over and screams into his pillow. His heart is racing. Kenma breaths heavily and feels a tear run down his cheek. He wipes it away quickly. I get to see you tomorrow. Kenma checks his phone again. 1:53 is displayed across his screen. I should sleep. Kenma flips off the lights. He flops on his back and stares at the ceiling. But I’m not tired! Kenma huffily flops over onto his side, feeling slightly more nervous. He turns the other way and his foot begins to anxiously tap. He moves back onto his back and he drums on his clavicle, listening to the rhythmic beat from his fingers. He takes a deep breath, but still he is wide awake. Kenma tries half hearted to meditate, following the advice of Guru Pathik: clear your mind. A crooked smile and boisterous laugh emerges. 

Kenma jumps out of bed and shuffles to his computer, switching it on. He picks a game. Hoping to fill his mind with the clicking of his mouse and the flash of the computer screen. But his endeavour is short lived, he loses immediately. Kenma frustratedly shuts off his computer and flops back into bed, feeling even less like sleeping.  
Well… there’s one thing you could try. Kenma wrestles with the idea in his mind for a bit before pushing himself upright and heading to the bathroom. He’s out of other options.

Kenma flips on the shower and turns back to the mirror. He pulls his hair up into a low bun, waiting for the water to warm up. He places his hands on the counter and closes his eyes, leaning back on his heels. Kenma takes a deep breath and lets his memories of Kuroo wash over him. With his eyes still closed, Kenma takes off his shirt and kicks off his pants. He imagines Kuroo’s smiles, his laugh, the faces Kuroo makes when he’s reading, mimicking the expressions of the characters in his book. Kenma runs gentle fingers across his chest and abdomen, picturing himself leaning against Kuroo. Kuroo sucking on his neck and caressing his body. Kuroo brushing aside a loose strand of hair. Kuroo kissing his shoulder. Kuroo stroking him. Kuroo. Kenma shutters and feels steam fill the small bathroom.

Kenma opens his eyes and catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, thin, gaunt, naked, and alone. He flicks his gaze away and steps into the shower. The warm water hits his body and he browses through fantasies in his head. Kenma is feeling fairly antsy and unsettled today. He places one hand on the wall in front of him, leaning his weight against it. Under the hot water, he strokes his own length choosing a fantasy. This particular one is a favorite because it feels particularly dirty to Kenma. It's not even that dirty… in the scheme of things. But something about it, feels distinctly wrong, in the best way. 

Kenma imagines himself as a servant. Long hair slicked back into a tight bun. He wears a tight, rigid suit. The starched fabric roughs his skin as he tidies his masters chamber. A master who is supposed to be gone for the whole day. Kenma picks up dirty clothes lying around the room. He can’t help himself; he holds a soiled shirt to his face, smelling it deeply. He slides a hand into his tight trousers and strokes himself relishing in his masters scent. He lets himself get lost in it, unile he hears someone clear their throat behind him. Kenma whirls around to see that crooked half smile staring at him from the doorway. 

“What are you doing?”

Kenma drops the shirt quickly and takes his hand out of his pants. He tries to stammer out an excuse. 

“Looks like you were doing something… naughty,” the corner for his mouth twitches form a sharper grin, as Kuroo walks towards him, slightly hunched. He wears a burgundy and black velvet robe. His hands sit casually in the pockets. Kenma feels frozen by embarrassment and excitement as his master steps closer to him. The taller man grabs Kenma’s hair and yanks it back, exposing his neck. Kenma gasps into the pain but doesn’t struggle. Kuroo is pressed against his front now, he leans forward, lips less than an inch from Kenma’s ear. 

“I think someone needs to make up for what he did,” Kuroo says while running his tongue against his bottom lip and looking sideways at Kenma, “what do you think?”

Kenma’s breath catches in his throat, “Y-yes, Master.”

“That’s what I thought,” the hot, husky whisper against his neck makes Kenma’s hair stand on end.

“On your knees.”

Kenma sinks down, but Kuroo still holds his head back by his hair. 

Kuroo parts his robe to reveal his already hard, veiny cock.

“Open your mouth.” The master demands. Kenma obliges, slowly parting soft, pink lips. Kenma’s heart races as Kuroo slides his cock into Kenma’s open mouth. 

“Close your lips.” Kenma does as he’s told. 

“Now suck.” Kenma sucks on the hard cock in his mouth. Eyes wide looking up at the handsome man with the devilish grin.

Kuroo tightens his grip on Kenma’s hair, sliding his cock to the base into Kenma’s mouth. Kenma feels himself start to gag, but suppress it. He eyes water, but he still sucks. I   
have to please my master and make amends for what I have done. Kuroo wipes the forming tear from Kenma’s face. He pulls Kenma’s head back, removing his cock from Kenma’s throat. Kenma continues to suck as the head of Kuroo’s cock emerges from his mouth. Saliva drips from the corner of Kenma’s mouth, lips falling open slightly parted.

Kuroo releases Kenma’s hair and strokes the side of Kenma’s face, “Very good.”

Kenma looks up with awe and desire at Kuroo. Kuroo tucks a strand of hair behind Kenma’s ear. Kuroo runs his other hands along his own length, giving himself a couple of healthy pumps. He holds Kenma in place, running his thumb along his jaw and across his lips.

“Lick it.” Kenma swallows and then runs the flat of his tongue along Kuroo’s shaft to his tip. Kenma licks around the base of the head and long the slit in the middle. Kuroo grunts softly and his eyes flutter. Kenma leans forward and takes Kuroo into his mouth again sucking hard on the tip. He swirls his tongue around it while he sucks, marveling as his master struggles to take a breath and at how his finger begins to tug harder on his now loosened locks. Kuroo’s hips thrust suddenly into the back of Kenma’s mouth, making Kenma’s eyes water. Kenma sucks up and down his whole length, sliding his tongue along Kuroo’s hard shaft. 

Kuroo groans and removes himself from Kenma’s mouth. Worry tinges Kenma’s previously satisfied face. Is he dissatisfied with me? Kuroo grabs Kenma by the collar. 

“On your feet,” Kuroo yanks Kenma up. Kenma struggles to breathe against Kuroo’s strong grip. Desire radiates from Kuroo’s eyes, and it makes Kenma flush. Kuroo tosses Kenma against a desk. Kenma breaths hard as Kuroo leans against, pushing his chin up. Their lips are so close. Kenma can feel Kuroo’s hot breath against them.

“Turn around,” Kuroo growls. Kenma gasps slightly at the request and hesitates. Kuroo’s gaze hardens. He lifts an eyebrow. Kenma obeys, turning his back towards his Master. Kuroo grabs Kenma’s hair again, yanking his head back. Kenma looks sideways at the powerful man who eyes his delicate neck with intensity. Kuroo’s other hand reaches around to Kenma’s front, unbuttoning his trousers swiftly and letting them fall to the floor. Kenma shivers, as Kuroo’s rough fingers graze his hip and slide to his ass.   
In this imaginary world, Kuroo’s already lubricated finger pushes inside of him. Kenma whines and strains against Kuroo’s grip. 

Kuroo yanks on Kenma’s hair, making him yelp. Kuroo whispers silkily into Kenma’s ear.

“Did I say you could move?”

“N-no Master,” Kenma stutters in response, as Kuroo slides in another finger, stretching his entrance. Kenma whimpers but doesn’t try to resist. He can feel Kuroo’s hot breath on his neck. Kenma gasps as another finger slides inside of him. His nails rake across the top of the desk. Kenma whines and pants, but doesn’t try to resist.

“Good. Very good,” Kuroo breathes into Kenma’s ear. Kenma’s eyelids flutter as he struggles to breath. Kenma feels the fingers slide out of him and Kuroo’s cock at his entrance. 

“Master, I’m not sure…,” Kenma is cut off as Kuroo’s cock slides inside of him. Kenma chokes on his words as Kuroo thrusts inside of him. His thighs smack the desk in front of him. They sting from the impact. Kenma revels at the pain and cries out in pleasure. Kuroo thrusts again, making Kenma whimper even more. Kuroo slides his hands down to Kenma’s narrow hips and begins to thrust more rapidly. His strong hands yank Kenma’s body against his own, causing Kenma to gasps and whine in sensual excruciation. 

In a deep breathy voice, Kuroo speaks into Kenma’s ear, “this is what happens when you’re naughty.”

“Yes Master. I understand the consequences.”

Kuroo groans deeply, thrusting Kenma hard into the desk, cumming inside him. 

Kenma bites his arm to keep from groaning loudly as he cums on the wall of his shower. Stream and hot water surround him as he leans against the bathroom wall. His body begins to relax. He takes a deep shaky breath and washes his cum down the drain. He switches the water off unceremoniously and dries himself, throwing his pajamas back on. Kenma heads to bed, flopping down into it. A guilty loneliness rocks him to sleep. 

Kenma hears a soft chuckle and peels his eyes open. Kuroo’s smiling face comes into focus before his sleepy eyes. Kenma blinks at that face he longs for not inches from his own smiling widely, propped up by one hand: the subject of Kenma’s longing. His grin seems to only reach half of his mouth, too lazy for both sides. His hair is as messy as every, sticking up at every angle with casual elegance. Its Kenma’s favorite face. 

Kuroo grins wider as Kenma stares at him bug-eyed, “Surprise bitch.”

Kenma feels his mouth slide open, but he can do nothing to stop it. His whole body is frozen, in shock, in awe, in fear. 

“Happy to see me?” Kenma continues to stare unblinkingly. This must be a dream. I’m not really awake. Kenma slides backwards out of bed, still not blinking. This isn’t real. Scooting along the wall to the bathroom. Kenma slams the door and leans against it, breathing hard. He runs to the sink and splashes some cold water on his face. He slaps his cheeks.

Kuroo hollers from the other room, “What? Do I smell or something?” No this is real. 

Kenma peaks out timidly from the bathroom. Kuroo is sitting up now and smiles widely at him. He meets Kenma’s eyes and begins to cackle hysterically, falling back onto the bed. 

“Ken! Are you serious?” Kuroo can’t finish his thought because he is laughing so hard. He chokes briefly on his laughter. He doubles over coughing hard, but soon recovers only to continue rolling on Kenma’s bed shaking with fits of laughter. Kenma stands in the doorway, still frozen with shock, mouth hanging open. 

“You look like you’ve seen a ghost.” Kuroo chuckles and wipes a tear away, trying to take a breath to calm down. 

“Get ready, Ken. We’ve gotta go!” 

Kenma just blinks mouth hanging open.

“Are you serious?” Kuroo hops out of bed and walks towards Kenma. He leans against the wall in front of Kenma. “You haven’t seen me in months and blinks is all I get?”

Kenma is writhing inside. Kuroo here. In my bed to wake me up. He’s here. Kenma blinks again. Kuroo coughs with laughter. He pats Kenma on the shoulder.

“Get dressed.”

Kuroo claps his hands and walks over to the end of Kenma’s bed. He slides to the ground and grabs Kenma’s controller, turning on his game console. Kenma’s brows scrunch together and he huffs loudly at Kuroo. 

Kuroo raises an eyebrow without taking his gaze off the screen, beginning to play. Kenma stomps over to his dresser and snatches clothes out hurriedly, heading back to the bathroom. He throws his clothes on. You better not screw up my progress. Fuck you, Kuroo. Why did you come back like this? Fuck you. I missed you too much. 

Kenma stomps out of the bathroom, out of his room and downstairs. Kuroo turns off the game and scrambles after him. They jog down the stairs towards the front door. 

“I was thinking,” Kuroo begins to explain, “since we kind of are obligated to spend New Years with family, we should go to the shrine together today.”

Kenma stuffs his feet into shoes and waits by the door, feeling quite touched and no longer peeved. 

Kuroo slides his feet into his shoes, “Well? Do you want to?”

Kenma looks up at him, a surprised expression on his face. Kuroo can tell by the expression what he means.

“Of course I want to usher in the New Year with you, Ken!” 

Kuroo bumps against Kenma’s shoulder before sliding the front door open and stepping outside. The place where Kuroo touched Kenma sends electricity through his body,   
and it feels hot. Kenma flushes and steps out behind him, closing the door. 

“Ok that sounds nice.”

“And he speaks!” Kuroo exclaims and pumps his fist in the air. Kenma chuckles.

“How’s school going, Kuroo?”

Kuroo thinks for a second as they walk down the sidewalk. The rows of all too similar suburban houses spread before them.

“So far, pretty good! The team is great. I love playing with them. Everyone is so good…” Kuroo pauses, “well, I mean I loved playing with you guys too, but…”  
Kenma nods with understanding.

“I’ve made a lot of friends. Oh and the parties! Ken! The parties! I went to this one and it was a lettuce eating competition.”

Kenma scrunches up his face.

“No, it was fun. I swear. Everyone got a head of iceberg and we had to eat it as fast as possible. I ended up puking so much after, but I ate it all in less than fifteen minutes.”

Kenma sticks out his tongue and shakes his head with disgust, but then he smiles. I’m glad you’re having fun. They walk in silence for a while as they approach the shrine. They climb the stairs, bow, and pray. 

You know what I’m grateful for, or should I say who. I just want to tell him this year. I… love him too much now to let another year go by without a word. 

Kenma straightens up and so does Kuroo.

Kuroo bumps Kenma’s shoulder again, sending shivers up Kenma’s spine, “So do you want to go get a prayer?”

Kenma nods and they walk over to a stand. Luckily some are open. Kenma surveys the options before choosing. He pays for his and bows, waiting for Kuroo to get his. Kuroo reaches for his wallet, but finds it's not there. He pats himself down.

“Damn. I forgot my wallet.” Kuroo looks genuinely pained.

“It's ok. We can share.” Kenma smiles and holds his out.

“Thanks, I hope you don’t mind sharing your year with me.” Kuroo teases.

Kenma flushes slightly and shakes his head. 

“Which one did you get?” Kuroo asks, looking at the small charm in Kenma’s hand. Kenma holds up the talisman to show him.

“Ahhh. Shiawase for happiness. Nice.”

They walk in silence: Kuroo avoiding his family and Kenma trying to absorb as much of Kuroo as he can before the other inevitably leaves. It's a brisk late December day. The sunshine is a cold, white light and the wind blows an unfeeling breeze. Things are unusually quiet between them. They wander aimlessly through residential neighborhoods, reaching a river.

Kenma looks over at Kuroo who is gazing glassy-eyed out over the channel river. He chews on his lip seemingly lost in thought. The breeze picks up slightly. Kenma shivers. In his rush to leave this morning, he had forgotten a proper sweater. The cold is beginning to bite him. Kuroo glances over at him, as Kenma walks hunched with his arms wrapped tightly around himself. 

“Here.”

Kenma looks over. Kuroo takes off his sweater and holds it out to Kenma. Kenma shakes his head.

“Then you’ll be cold.”

Kuroo just smiles at him, “Take the sweater Ken. I’ll be fine.”

Kenma sighs and takes the sweater, pulling it over his head. 

It's too big for him. The polyester material droops on Kenma’s arms. Kenma pulls his hair out of the collar, adjusting it on himself. 

“Hey, Ken.” Kuroo kicks a pebble on the ground sending it skittering along the pavement and down the grassy embankment towards the water, “Sorry I haven’t been great about being there for you this past, well, couple of months. I was really busy, but that’s no excuse.”

Kenma cuffs the sleeves and looks up at Kuroo.

“I’m sorry, Ken. I’ll try harder.”

Kenma smiles at the words he had been needing to hear, at the reason his Kuroo had been so far away.

“I understand.”

Kenma pauses to contemplate the sudden swirling expanse of feeling that has opened inside him in response to Kuroo’s words. I miss you and I love you, but I can’t say it. Why can’t I just tell you? Kenma chews on his thumb nail.

“Thanks for the sweater,” Kenma mumbles into the sleeve.

Kuroo tugs on the shoulder, turning Kenma to the side to look at him. He smiles a little.

“It looks better on you anyway.”

Kenma purses his lips and looks at the grass, trying to keep himself from smiling too broadly at the compliment. As they continue to walk, Kenma looks around at the brown sticks of trees and blanket of stringy grass. The asphalt path continues into the distance and Kenma knows he’d walk to the end of the Earth with Kuroo at his side. His thoughts wander.

“Oh!” Kenma remembers, “I got early admission to UJNT. I just found out, but forgot to tell you.”

Kuroo stops in his tracks. Kenma turns back to look at him. Kuroo is bent over, hands on his thighs.

“Holy fucking shit!” Kuroo cackles. He pumps his fist, smiling so widely, “That’s fucking amazing Ken! Can I give you a hug?”

Kenma nods and Kuroo wraps his arms around him. Time seems to slow, as Kenma feels Kuroo’s arms wrap tightly around his middle. Kenma wraps his arms slowly around Kuroo’s neck and leans into him. The familiar arms and smell make Kenma smile. 

“I’m proud of you, Ken,” Kuroo whispers into Kenma’s now sweatered shoulder. The words make a shiver down Kenma’s spine.

Kuroo cackles and picks Kenma up. Kenma yips and Kuroo spins him in a circle, chanting UJNT and laughing hysterically. Kenma begins to laugh too. Kuroo puts Kenma down and musses his hair. 

Kuroo puts his hands on his hips and looks out over the river.

“This is gonna be so great. You’re gonna love it.”

Kenma scoffs, “Hinata might be going too. For volleyball.”

Kuroo turns back to Kenma, “Chibi-chan?” Kenma nods.

“That fucking rocks. You at UJNT with me. You just made me fucking day Ken, no my fucking week. No year.”

Kuroo grins broadly and holds his arms out, seemingly embarrassing the world. Kenma laughs. He feels happy, to his core, for maybe the first time in months since Kuroo left. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

November - three months ago

“Kenma! I’m having a midterm study party. You have to come.”

Kenma frowns at Hinata, “Do I have to?” He’s still in bed late on Saturday morning, scrolling on his phone, burrowed in a mass of blankets.

“Yes,” Hinata replies solemnly, “you have to. It's at 2 in the lounge. Be there or I will drag you.” Hinata bounces out of the room.

“Fine,” Kenma shouts after him as the door snaps shut. Despite his complaining, Kenma is actually a little excited about it. It’ll be nice to be around people, but not have to talk to them.

Kenma walks into the crowded lounge to find nearly the entire volleyball team there as well as Yachi. They fill almost every seat at the tables as well as the couches and easy chairs. It is surprisingly silent. The scratch of pens and the click of keyboards fills the room; the omnipresent sound of the distant freeway drifts in through the windows. Afternoon sunlight streams through them spotlighting eddies of dust swirling around the blue-grey carpet. Kenma sits down next to Yachi and across from Hinata and opens his laptop. 

Yachi waves at him and Kenma waves back. Hinata smiles widely and scribbles him a note, sliding it across the table.

YOU MADE IT!!!!!

Kenma chuckles and draws a little heart sliding it back to Hinata. Hinata grins and puts the note in his backpack before returning to work. Kenma unlocks his laptop and begins to open tabs for his assignments, but he gets distracted. Kuroo and Kaida come in together and sit at the table across the room. Kuroo goes to say something, but Kaida shushes him frantically, both smiling a little too much. Kenma glares at them over the top of his laptop. Hinata kicks Kenma’s foot. He mouths dramatically: be nice!

Kenma frowns harder and pulls out his phone.

Kenma: <<< why. >>>

Hinata: <<< its not like youre seeing kuroo or anything >>>

Kenma glares at Hinata. He mouths: what?

Hinata: <<< shes so nice! give her a chance >>>

Kenma rolls his eyes.

Kenma: <<< maybe >>>

Hinata: <<< stop being mean :( >>>

Kenma pouts and forces himself to study. He opens his musicology paper: Jimi Hendrix’s “All Along the Watchtower” and how meaning is conveyed through his playing style. Kenma listens to the song and makes notes for what feels like the hundredth time. He sighs and gets to work.

The sun slides across the floor, making longer and longer shadows. The light changes from white to a soft gold to orange as the sun begins to set. Kenma feels a little hungry. He shuts his laptop and takes a breath. He looks over to where Kuroo and Kaida were sitting, but Kuroo’s not there.

“Hey,” Kenma jumps and looks up. Kuroo is smiling at him, “want to get some food?” he whispers.

Kenma nods.

“Cool. Let me get Kaida.”

Kenma chokes as Kuroo walks over and taps her on the shoulder. Kenma tries to think of a way to bail, but his brain is blank.

“Let’s go,” Kuroo beacons, walking towards the door with Kaida.

Kenma begrudgingly gets up and follows the two of them towards the elevator. Kenma fumes inwardly as the three step into the confined space. It is tangibly awkward as the doors close and the elevator lurches down to the lobby. 

Kuroo clears his throat, “Um, well, uh Kenma this is Kaida, and Kaida this is Kenma.”

“We’ve met before,” Kenma says plainly.

Kaida nods with a smile, “It's nice to see you again.”

Kenma nods with a weak smile. I’m not sure if I’m hungry anymore. The elevator dings open, and they walk to get some take out. The sun recently set and the sky is a wash with colors. Kenma tries to look at the sky instead of the other two as they walk towards take-out. They step into the long line at the take-out place. Kenma keeps his eyes glued to the sky to avoid the flirtation going on before his eyes. It makes him queasy. He breathes in the chilly evening air and watches candy pink and soft purple clouds float over deepening blue skies. Tiny stars begin to shine in spite of the remaining light from the sun and the city. 

“Are you cold?”

Kenma glances over and sees Kuroo hand Kaida the sweater, his sweater. 

“Yeah, thanks.” She pulls it on. Kuroo wraps an arm around her shoulder. Kenma is this close to losing his shit. He internally rages and cries as he stares with dead eyes at the couple before him. Fuck you, Kuroo. Why are you doing this to me?

Kenma fights back the tears that are begging to be released. They finally reach the register and Kenma has lost his appetite completely. Kuroo orders an absurd amount of food and goes to wait on the other side of the take-out dining hall. 

Kaida orders, “Can I get a cold brew, a large, with room for cream?”

Kenma orders next: a triple shot americano.

Kenma stands and waits for his number to be called and Kaida walks over to him. They stand in more uncomfortable silence and wait.

“So,” Kaida begins. Kenma winces at this whole situation, “How are you liking school so far?”

Kenma shrugs and tries to figure out how he is supposed to speak when he wants to throw up and cry this badly, “It's pretty easy so far.”

“You’re a CS major, right?”

Kenma nods. How much does she know about me?

“Computer stuff is not for me,” she laughs a little and Kenma nods.

“It's not for everyone.”

His number flashes across the screen. Kenma grabs his coffee and walks back to Kaida. He chews on his lip and feels miserable. He can still see that stupid, knit sweater out of the corner of his eye. The charm they got together still hangs from his backpack, a simple reminder of the year that he and Kuroo were supposed to share together. But that year is coming to a close. Kenma knows it's not Kaida’s fault that Kuroo is being a complete shit. Kenma sighs and tries to cut off his animosity as she walks forward and picks up her order.

“They gave me a cookie by accident. Do you want to split it?”

Kenma’s anger towards her subsides. He nods and smiles softly.

“It's a chocolate chip.”

“Thanks.”

“Should we wait outside for Kuroo?”

Kenma nods again and they step out into the chilly night, sharing a cookie. Kenma nibbles on the cookie: an olive branch. Kenma looks down at the sweater. Half a cookie is still not equivalent. 

Kenma sits on the floor of his dorm and looks at the bag of makeup before him. He unzips it and removes cover-up, mascara, eyeliner, blush, four lip-glosses, two lipsticks, and three different eye shadow pallets. Yachi left them in his and Hinata’s dorm by mistake after the study party. The two had gone to campus to continue their work in the library. Kenma picks up a pink lip-gloss and opens it. It snaps open with a seductive pop. Kenma closes it and returns it to the neat rows he created. He knows he should put it back. He knows it's not his. He knows he should ask.

Something about it prevents him. It's seduction. It's femininity. It's elegance. Kenma makes a decision. Hinata said they would be gone for at least another hour. Kenma knows. He texted him, twice, but he deadbolts the door locked to be safe. Kenma scoots closer to the mirror on the back of the door with the small stash of Yachi’s makeup.

Kenma watched about a dozen makeup tutorials when he found the bag, but now he feels frozen and trapped by what’s before him. It's everything he isn’t and everything she is, or at least represents: soft, pretty, carefree, ethereal. Kenma looks down at the assortment before him and taps the mascara against the ground nervously. 

He takes a breath and picks up the coverup.

As Kenma begins to nervously apply the various layers, he feels worse and worse. Layers of eyeshadow, blush, eyeliner, and mascara doesn’t make Kenma feel better; they don’t mask the self-loathing he feels staring at himself in the mirror. His features look distorted and dramatic. Kenma feels himself begin to tear up. Shit! I’m only half way through. He looks up at the fluorescent ceiling light to try to dry his tears. Kenma forces himself to breath. He turns back to the mirror and applies a layer of lipstick.

When he finishes, Kenma examines himself in the mirror. He pouts and smizes at his reflection. Maybe he does feel a little prettier, a bit more beautiful, more desirable, a little more like her. Kenma can’t help but wonder to himself, would you like me more like this?

Kenma puts the makeup away, regretting this decision entirely. He feels lost and trapped and confused. He drops the small pleather pouch on Hinata’s desk where he found it, unbolts the door, and flops onto his bed, feeling completely discouraged. Yet, curiosity nags at him. He whips out his phone and walks over to his desk, switching on the light. Kenma opens his camera and takes a selfie. His face feels hot as nerves course through his veins. He clicks on the picture and examines his face. Evidence of what he’s done. He looks cheesy to himself, forced and fake. 

Kenma sinks into the chair at his desk. A tear falls from his eye and streaks down his face. I’ll never be pretty like her. More tears follow. Kenma deletes the picture. He sniffs some back in. Ugly! He stares out the window. Kenma doesn’t have the energy to keep his tears inside anymore.


	6. 6. Checkmate

December - last month

Midterms season comes and goes with surprisingly little pain for Kenma. He does well and feels like he might have actually learned something. Finals are beginning to encroach as the quarter comes to a close. Kenma has been avoiding Kuroo like the plague since the fateful study night. Kuroo couldn’t be what Kenma needed him to be right now, so Kenma evaded him, leaving his semi-frequent messages on read and avoiding his favorite dining halls and study stops. Though Hinata gave Kenma a look every time he saw Kenma hide, he never said anything. Evasion was made extra-easy since he knew Kuroo’s class schedule and practice times.

But even so, Kenma feels exhausted. Every time he left somewhere he was sure Kuroo wasn’t, he felt afraid. Leaving his dorm, leaving his CS classes, leaving his lab became a source of anxiety for Kenma. He feared an accidental encounter on his walk to class, on his way to the dining hall, even while walking to the bathroom. Kenma’s heart races for no reason when he steps into public. The pain Kuroo caused him, maybe even partially his own fault, chases him. It waits around every corner, behind every door. I don’t know how much more I can take. But Kenma knows, though exhausting as it may be, it is much less painful than potentially seeing him with her. 

Today, Kenma couldn’t outrun Kuroo. On his way to class, Kenma sees Kuroo for the first time in a weeks. Kenma is running a bit late to class, later than usual, and Kuroo is heading out of a dining hall with no other than her, Kaida. Kenma glares and immediately calls Hinata.

“Are they dating?”

Hinata pauses for a little too long before saying. “No.” 

Kenma fumes and glares at the sidewalk. 

“Can you at least tell me a little bit about her?”

Hinata sighs and tells him bluntly, “If you want to know so bad, ask Kuroo or ask her yourself. I’m not fueling this.”

“What do you think I’m going to do?”

Kenma can feel Hinata grin over the phone, “Stalk her. Hack her. Cyberbully her. Set your fans on her.”

Kenma scoffs but stumbles over his words, “I… I wouldn’t do that!”

“Uh huh? Oh, what are you doing Saturday?”

“Nothing. I do nothing.” Kenma groans miserably as he quickly walks to class.

“Yes!” Kenma can hear Hinata beam over the phone and winces. I should have said I had plans, “Then you’re coming with Yachi and me to volleyball clubs’ end of the quarter Black and White.”

Kenma groans, but doesn’t have an excuse that he is willing to admit to, “Why? He’ll be there with her! And! What even is that?”

Hinata laughs, “So? I thought you were ‘over it’. Anyway, it's a party and it’ll be fun! Free drinks, free food. Everyone dresses up in a costume that has to be black and white. People get super into it. I think there might be a prize, but I’m not sure. I’ll check.”

Hinata sounds so excited, Kenma can’t say no.

“Fine, but I won’t stay super long and I don’t have a costume.”

“Yes! Yachi! Kenma said he’d go!” Hinata turns back to the phone, “You only wear black Kenma.”

Kenma frowns, “Fine.”

“I’ll see you after class.”

“Fine. Bye.” Kenma hangs up the phone. He is red from frustration.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

There is a timid knock on the door. 

“It’s Yachi!” Hinata bounds over and flings it open. Yachi stands there holding a costume in one hand, hand still out stretched from the knock. 

“Hi Yachi!”

Kenma waves.

“Hi guys.” Hinata pulls her inside.

“What’s your costume? Show me! Show me!”

Yachi giggles nervously and unfolds it. Hinata’s mouth falls open and Kenma’s eyes get wide. A short black dress, with lace frills, and puffy sleeves, and a tiny apron hangs in front of them. It's a maid outfit. 

Yachi blurts out, “It's not mine! Kiyoko gave it to me because I did own anything black and white. She said it was too tight around the chest so I could keep it.”

Yachi is cherry red, “I shouldn’t wear it. I can’t go.”

Hinata finally regains the ability to speak, “No! It's great. We’re just… surprised you… It's not what I was expecting. Right Kenma?”

Kenma nods, still not entirely over his shock. 

“What are you wearing?”

Hinata holds up a ninja costume, “A ninja, but you’re going to put us all to shame with that.”

Kenma chuckles, “Ninja Shoyo.”

Hinata grins.

“Are you coming?” Yachi asks Kenma.

Kenma nods and begins to answer, but Yachi’s phone buzzes. She quickly pulls it out looking confused. She reads a message and reads it again, eyes growing progressively bigger. She gasps.

“Ah! Oh no! Oh no! I have a final due tomorrow. No! I wrote down the wrong date! I… I have to work. Hinata, I’m so sorry, I can’t go out tonight!”

“It's ok Yachi. Go finish it.”

“Thank you!”

Yachi sprints out of the room. The door swing slowly shut behind her. An intrusive thought slides through Kenma’s mind.

From down the hall, she cries, “Wait!” and runs back in.

“My costume.”

The cogs in Kenma’s mind begin to turn.

“Hold on, Yachi.”

Hinata and Yachi both look a little confused at Kenma. 

“Will Kaida be there?”

Hinata huffs at Kenma with a frown, “Yeah probably. She’s friends with like the whole team. Why?”

Kenma smiles a little, “Would you mind if I borrowed it for tonight?”

Hinata and Yachi freeze.

“Um, yeah? That’s fine.”

“Do you have time for me to try it on first? To make sure it fits?”

Yachi nods and hands the dress to Kenma. The other two turn their backs while Kenma slips into the dress. Under the dress on the hanger are white gloves and a garder, which he also slips on. He ties the apron and undoes it hair, tying half of it up in a high bun instead. He does a little twirls and smiles to himself before turning to the others. 

“Ok, how do I look?”

Yachi and Hinata both turn about and blush immediately. They stumble over their words. Hinata bashfully puts a hand behind his neck.

“I… um… p-pretty.” Hinata clears his throat after.

“Yeah really… pretty.” Yachi adds.

“Really?” They both nod vigorously. Kenma walks over to the mirror on the back of the door and looks at himself. He smiles. He can’t help it. The dress fits him stupidly well. No wonder Kiyoko said it didn’t fit. It isn’t loose on his chest. He tucks some hair behind his ear. Pretty is definitely not the word for how he looks. Between his blushing friends and his own eyes, Kenma knows this is hot. He smiles wider. Checkmate Kuroo. He spins back and forth, looking at himself from every angle.

Yachi blurts out, “You should keep it. It fits you better.”

Kenma turns towards her, “No, I couldn’t. I’ll wash it and return it.”

Yachi shakes her head, “I’m serious, but I really do need to go work now. Have fun you guys!” She runs out the door again.

Hinata and Kenma are alone.

Kenma asks Hinata, “Does it really look good?” He’s just fishing for compliments now because he knows the answer.

“Yeah, you look hot… uh I mean…”

Hinata looks nervous and Kenma smiles at him. He tousles the red head's hair.

“Thank you.”

“Yeah, no problem!”

Kenma feels giddy and determined. He is feeling himself and revenge is on his mind, “Are we pregaming?” he asks Hinata bluntly.

“I don’t have anything.”

Kenma grins and pulls out a handle of tequila, two plastic solo cups. Hinata laughs as Kenma pours. He hands Hinata a cup.

“Bottoms up, Ninja Shoyo,” his voice sounds dead despite his smile.

“I’ll race you!” Hinata says with a grin and sprints out of the room.

Kenma gawks and runs after him, but Hinata is already leaning next to the elevator. Kenma jogs up out of breath. The tight bodice of the dress restricts his chest. How would someone with boobs breath in this?

“No fair,” he manages to huff out at Hinata as they take the elevator down to the bottom floor. Kenma's face feels hot as they step out into the cold night.

“Hey Hinata, do I look red?”

Hinata looks at Kenma and laughs loudly. Kenma scowls and Hinata tries to reassure him, “Not more than usual.”

Kenma sighs as the trudge down the steps of campus to the neighborhood below. The night feels alive to Kenma. His heart pounds in his chest to match the distance beasts of EDM. His face feels like it radiates the warmth he feels inside of himself. They stop at a street that separates campus from the city. Kenma feels like he’s teetering on the edge of a precipice as the two of them look up and down the street for a break between cars to scamper across. Hinata grips Kenma’s hand, surprising him.

“Let’s go!”

Hinata yanks Kenma across the street. It's all he can do to keep up with the athlete, as his strong grip keeps him in check. Safely across the road, Kenma shakes the thought from his head as he continues after Hinata. He can feel the alcohol diluting his sense and dulling his insecurities. Kenma smiles and laughs at nothing. The world feels warped. He trudges after Hinata, still holding his hand, stumbling slightly on the uneven pavement. Kenma hiccups. Maybe that was one too many shots.

“This way!”

Hinata tugs Kenma down a street towards a rager. The people, lights, music, and sound that used to terrify Kenma, now entice him. Hinata begins to jog and Kenma runs after him, laughing. Kenma and Hinata burst through the doors. It's in full swing. With flushed cheeks, Kenma strides into the room, Hinata in tow. He can feel people stare and whisper as he walks by. Normally, Kenma would cower and hide, try to escape from wandering eyes. Tonight feels different. Kenma revels in the attention. Maybe he’s feeling himself, maybe it's because he has a plan, maybe it's tequila. Kenma shrugs it off.

Hinata shouts in his ear, “I love this song! Let’s dance!”

Kenma nods and runs after Hinata into the dancing, sweaty hoard in the middle of the room. For a bit, Kenma just dances. He jumps erratically with his friend and forgets about Kuroo. He laughs as Hinata starts doing the sprinkler. He lets the music fill him and embrace him.

Out of the corner of his eye, he sees spiky, dark hair. His gaze flits over. To his horror, Kuroo is dancing with Kaida. They are not just dancing; they are grinding. Kenma is filled with jealous rage as he watches Kaida’s hands in Kuroo’s hair and Kuroo’s hands on Kaida’s hips. His mood and ability to dance care-free is now gone. He leaves Hinata who has attracted quite a following and stalks to the side of the room to steep in his fury. He grabs another drink and downs it swiftly. 

Kenma plots. Kenma waits until Kaida leaves Kuroo. She yells something in his ear and pushes her way through the crowd, leaving Kuroo dancing alone. Kenma slinks across the room and pushes himself through the crowd of people. He bumps his shoulder hard against Kuroo. He turns, his hands clasped behind his back.

“Oops.”

He looks Kuroo up and down slowly with pouting lips and the closest he can get to bedroom eyes. He looks into Kuroo’s eyes and smiles before turning on his heel and walking away towards Hinata. He begins to dance again, but his thoughts are not present with his friend. 

Kenma runs through possible outcomes in his head. He wants to elicit jealousy in Kuroo and briefly considers grinding on Hinata. Kenma sighs and disposes of the idea. Hinata would definitely do it, but Kenma has been worried that maybe Hinata has been a little more than friendly towards him recently. Kenma takes pity on his confused roommate and just continues to dance, hoping his clothes will have their desired effect.

After a couple of songs, Kenma starts to feel a little dizzy. He pulls on Hinata’s shirt sleeve to get his attention.

“I have to take a break,” Kenma shrieks into the red head's ear.

“Keeeeennnnnnmmmmmmaaaa!” Hinata whines, “Stay! Don’t leave me!” Hinata takes Kenma’s hands and fails around in a sad attempt at a dance.

Kenma smiles to himself, but shakes his head.

“I can’t breath! It's too goddamn hot in here!” Kenma’s voice barely makes it over the noise.

Hinata huffs a dramatic breath at him, “Ok, fine! I’ll have fun without you I guess!”

Kenma gives him a thumbs up and begins to extract himself from the mess of people. He shoves his way through almost slippery, undulating bodies. He’s too drunk to care about the vast number of people touching him as he emerges from the chaos. Kenma takes a deep breath of relief. He walks over to an empty stretch of wall and leans on it to take a break. Kenma looks around for Kuroo, but doesn’t see him. Fear creeps up in his stomach. Did he leave with… Then, Kenma sees Kaida dancing with some friends and Kenma’s fear subsides. At least they aren’t together. He takes a deep breath and leans his head back against the wall. Kenma closes his eyes.

Bam!

Someone hits the wall next to Kenma’s head. His eyes fly open. Kuroo leans over him, smirking.

“Hey Ken.”

Kenma mentally composes himself and coyly responds, “Hey Tetsu,” Kenma looks Kuroo up and down, “what are you supposed to be?”

Kuroo smirks and adjusts the collar of his black and white striped suit, “Beetlejuice, duh,” Kuroo looks Kenma up and down, “I can tell what you’re supposed to be.”   
Kenma tries not to tremble under his gaze. Kuroo grins a little wider. He raises an eyebrow and picks up the hem of Kenma’s skirt. He plays with it for a second, rubbing the fabric in between his fingers, savoring it. Kenma watches Kuroo and waits. His heart pounds in beat to the music as Kuroo drops the hem and takes Kenma’s gloved hand.

“Let’s go.”

Kenma lets himself be pulled along the edge of the room, but then stops. Kuroo looks back at him confused. This was too easy.

“Wait. I should tell Hinata.”

Kuroo gives him a look. Kenma feels nervous.

“You’re telling me you wore this,” Kuroo takes a step closer. Kenma stops breathing, “and didn’t tell Hinata your plan?”

Kenma scoffs and pulls his hand away. Fuck. How did you figure it out you smart bitch? He stomps over to Hinata.

“I’m leaving with Kuroo.”

Hinata gives him a thumbs up and keeps dancing. Kenma has been hoping for something more, but pushes his way back to Kuroo who is standing by the door. Kuroo smiles at him and Kenma feels weak. He interlocks his fingers around Kuroo’s forearm and they step out into the cold air together.

Kenma presses closer to Kuroo. He rests his cheek on Kuroo’s sculpted arm. He fiddles with the sleeve of the ridiculous black and white suit. The thump of the music fades into the sounds of the city. The beat is replaced by the hum of the freeway and the melody by wailing sirens in the distance. 

Kenma missed Kuroo. Even with him trapped in Kenma’s fingers, Kenma still misses him. He feels frustrated. There is so much love still, so much feeling. How do I tell you? Fear and worry muffle his thoughts and pride traps him in silence. He breathes Kuroo in, hoping that it will remind Kenma how to speak his feelings. 

They walk in silence back to the dorms. It's quiet. A few boisterous students laugh, also on drunken walks home from a night out. Kenma shivers against the cold and Kuroo wraps his arm around him. Kenma leans against his chest and feels a glimmer of happiness. You are taking me home, not her. 

They step inside the elevator and Kuroo presses the button for Kenma’s floor.

Kenma looks up at Kuroo, “We’re going to my place?”

Kuroo nods with a grin, “Carrot top’s not there.”

Kenma shivers and nods in agreement. They are still silent, but Kenma’s fingers begin to tingle as they step out onto his floor. Kenma pulls out his keycard and opens the door. Kuroo pushes him inside and then slams him into the door, closing it. Kenma whimpers as he feels Kuroo’s lips on his neck and Kuroo’s hands on his hip and in his hair. Kuroo sucks on his neck, leaving bruises and Kenma shaking on his touch. He sucks on Kenma’s collarbone and the middle of his chest. 

Kenma feels Kuroo’s hands slide up his thighs and under his skirt. Kenma gasps as Kuroo slides off his underwear roughly. Kuroo drops to his knees. He looks up at Kenma and Kenma begins to breath heavily. He ducks under Kenma’s skirt.

Kenma gasps as Kuroo takes him into his mouth and begins to suck. Kenma whines and grips the door frame for support as Kuroo swirls his tongue around Kenma’s tip. Kenma doesn’t close his eyes and instead looks at the ceiling of the dark room. He feels Kuroo's lips slide slowly all the way up his length and Kuroo’s throat closes around his head. Kenma’s eyelids flutter and he fails to stifle a whine. 

Strong hands anchor his overzealous hips, holding them in place, as Kuroo continues to suck. Kuroo slides one hand from Kenma’s hip to his ass. Kenma hisses in a breath and sinks a hand into Kuroo’s hair as his bobs back and forth on Kenma’s cock. Kuroo slips his thumb into Kenma’s crack, fingering his entrance. Kenma shivers. He cries out as Kuroo pushes inside of him. Kuroo sucks and fingers him methodically, in rhythm. 

Kenma feels Kuroo’s lips around his head and looks down. Kuroo is watching him, eyes bright and quizzical. Kenma trembles at his touch. Kuroo slides his mouth back down over Kenma. Kenma begins to pant. He gasps. He moans. He strains, as everything builds to a climax. It's rushed and sloppy. Kenma pants as he remembers his fear. Why did we do this? There is so much distance between them at this point, but it feels so good to have Kuroo’s warm mouth, soft tongue on his cock.

“Tetsurou!”

He cums into Kuroo’s mouth and feels Kuroo swallow it down. Kuroo removes his thumb and slides Kenma out of his mouth. He stands up and looks down at Kenma panting from his touch. Kuroo grabs a tissue and wipes the corners of his mouth and his thumb. He drops it in the trash by the door. Kuroo reaches for the knob.

“Wait! Don’t go.”

Kenma feels tears pricking his eyes.

“Goodbye, Ken.”

Kuroo kisses him on the cheek before slipping away out the door. Kenma slides to the ground as the door clicks shut. Kenma feels defeated. I lost. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck! He strips off the costuming, throwing the lacy mass to the ground. He yanks on a T-shirt and crawls into bed, wrapping the blankets tightly around himself as sobs begin to shake his body. He pulls out his phone and shakily texts Kuroo. 

Kenma: <<< text me when you get home >>>

His phone vibrates immediately. 

Kuroo liked a message.

Kenma drops it to the ground. He pulls his pillow over his face and screams into it. It's too much. It's all too much.


	7. 7. The Cute That Always Bleeds

December - last month

Kenma looks at his phone.

Kenma: <<< text me when you get home >>>

Kuroo liked a message.

He clicks it off and fumes while not paying attention in lecture, the last of the quarter. He drums his pen on the desk, squinting at the projected slides in the dark lecture hall. 

Kuroo liked a message.

The damned reaction features. It's the bare minimum of a response, but it still leaves the receiver in a double text position. Kenma huffs and readjusts his position in the seat. The ultimate weapon for leaving someone in uncertainty. Kenma looks at the ceiling. The clack of keyboards, the shuffling of papers. A cough here, a cleared throat there. Kenma tries to lose his thoughts in the low lying sounds of existence that float in the lecture hall. But it's no use.

Kuroo liked a message.

The hall is slightly too warm. The ambient noise, the dark, and the gentle warmth of hundreds of people in the room pushes the attendants towards sleep. The person next to Kenma snores softly. Kenma looks over and sees him drooling a little. Kenma blows a strand of hair from his face feeling deeply frustrated. His knee bounces up and down agitatedly. 

Kuroo liked a message.

He can’t distract himself from Kuroo and he can’t distract himself from the feeling that it's his fault things are like this. If he had said something, done something earlier, maybe it wouldn’t be like this. His brilliant plan had backfired horribly. Though Kenma hates to admit it, he still misses Kuroo. It hurts just to think about him, but Kenma can’t stop. A message slides across his screen. Kenma clicks on it.

Hinata: <<< have you texted him yet >>>

Hinata: <<< talked to him >>>

Hinata: <<< anything >>>

Hinata: <<< ??? >>>

Kenma leaves him on read and tries to focus on the lecture. Hinata’s optimism and positivity is too much right now. Kenma picks at his feelings. They feel like a scab. They itch and bother him, so Kenma picks at them. Ripping off tiny chunks of skin. He can’t help it, even though it hurts. Kenma hates feeling angry with Kuroo and he hates it even more that he loves him so much. Kenma hates to admit it to himself, after everything. A love that used to bring him so much joy has turned sour.

Kenma doesn’t know what changed. Tears begin to sting at his eyes in the dark lecture hall. The professor droning, the keyboards clacking, the pens scribbling. Kenma tries to make himself focus, but it's listlessly boring almost immediately.

What changed? What happened to us, Tetsurou? He continues to scratch. Kenma begins to bounce both of his legs and switches between tabs he has open on his laptop. A news notification slides across the screen.

The identity of Kodzuken? 

He clicks on it and skims through the article, before closing it just a quickly. Speculations at best, but they are nowhere close to finding him. The lights flick on and students erupt into conversation. Kenma squints and closes his laptop, packing up his belongings and heading for the door. Kenma joins the flow of students leaving the classroom, another drop in a sea. 

He pops in his earbuds as he files out the door. He squints as he steps into the sun in the courtyard outside the lecture hall. Across the yard, he sees Kuroo. Kenma freezes. He gets jostled aggressively by the crowd.

“Sorry,” he mutters, to no one in particular, and keeps walking. Kenma continues to watch Kuroo. He’s talking to Kaida. Kenma glares at them. He watches Kuroo tuck a strand of hair behind her ear and he sees her blush and smile happily in response. Kenma scoffs and yanks his gaze away. His face feels hot and his throat tight. He quickens his pace and storms back towards his dorm. 

Kenma slams his door and falls face down onto his bed.

He hears Hinata turn around, “Are you ok?”

“Please leave me alone.”

“Ok, I’ll be here if you change your mind.”

Kenma lays face down in his pillow. He squeezes his sheets with his fist. His nails dig into the mattress. Tears begin to soak into the pillow. Fuck you. Fuck this. I don’t want these feelings anymore. Unless… unless you say you’ve loved me all along. Fuck. Kenma sucks in a shaky breath as he picks away the final layer of the scab, revealing a deep gash. A cut that will always bleed. Kenma knows he can never stop loving Kuroo. No matter what he does. No matter how many scabs form. He’ll just pick them away leaving this hurt, this love to flow on for the rest of his life.

But Kenma can’t live like this, let himself bleed dry for Kuroo. But what choice do I have?


	8. 8. Fight or Flight

December - last month

Kuroo: <<< we need to talk >>>

Kenma: <<< i agree. ill come over after my final >>>

Kuroo: <<< 3? >>>

Kenma: <<< i wish, itll be closer to 10… pm >>>

Kuroo liked a message.

Kenma is nervous after his lab final, which is pretty easy. He finishes early and walks back towards the dorms, apprehensive. Kenma pulls out his phone and texts Kuroo. 

Kenma: <<< i finished early, coming over now >>>

Kenma pockets his phone and walks through the silent night. Usually he listens to music on the almost twenty minute walk home, but today Kenma doesn’t have it in him to get out his earbuds. So he walks and suffers in silence.

It's late at night and the campus is nearly deserted. A couple of students are scattered here and there for a late night study session or walking back from a night class or final. Campus is dark and a thick mist has settled over its grounds. The lights on the walkways seem to quaver with his nervous pulse as Kenma walks by them. 

The gravity of what they need to discuss hits Kenma. His heart starts to beat too fast. The night air feels too cold on Kenma’s throat. It burns and scratches. It sticks and chokes him. Kenma can’t breathe for a second. He stops walking and squats down in the middle of campus. He wraps his arms around himself, eyes wide, heart pounding. I can’t be this way with you, but I’ve loved you for so long. Kenma forces himself to take a breath. It feels unnatural, like no real air is reaching his lungs. I don’t know if I can live without you. Kenma squeezes his eyes shut and squeezes himself even tighter, gulping in shallow breaths of frigid air. But I know I can’t keep living like this. Kenma closes his eyes and takes a deep breath, ignoring the protests of his body. He fills his lungs completely and sighs the breath back out. He does this again and rises to his feet. I can’t live like this anymore. Kenma feels more determined now, but still shaking. He begins to walk again. I won’t live like this anymore. Kenma walks with more purpose closer and closer to their dorm.

Kenma reaches their building and takes the elevator to Kuroo’s floor. He takes a deep breath as it dings open. He steps out into the blue carpeted hallway and walks past the identical gray dorm doors. His whole body seems to pulse and shake with each heavy heart beat as Kenma steps closer to the conversation he’s been dreading: what he assumes is the end.

Kenma stops in front of Kuroo’s door and checks his phones: no new messages. The door is deadbolted, so Kenma assumes Kuroo left it open for him. 

Kenma pushes the door open. No lights are on, but light from the hallway falls onto two figures on Kuroo’s bed in the dark room. Kuroo and Kaida are wrapped in each others’ arms. His hands are up her shirt and hers are in his hair. They break apart quickly as Kenma freezes in shock.

A sob catches in his throat. Kenma feels the handle slip through his fingers. All he can think is run. Hide. I can’t let you see me cry. Kenma bolts, letting the door slam behind him. He sees the bathroom and runs to it like his life depends on it. 

“Ken wait!”

Kenma pushes his body harder as he hears footsteps pound down the hall after him. Kenma flings open the bathroom door and throws himself into a stall. He slams it shut and clumsily tries to lock it. He climbs onto the toilet and covers his mouth with his hands, muffling his spasming sobs, as an intruder enters the bathroom. 

Kenma squeezes his eyes closed. A massive weight feels like it's being lowered onto Kenma’s chest. I can’t breath. His body shakes with more sobs. There’s a knock on the stall door and Kenma sees familiar feet and calves below it.

“Kenma. Please open the door.”

Kuroo’s voice punches through Kenma’s conscious mind and he begins to hyperventilate. I can’t breath. His hands fall away from his mouth as he tries to get air into his lungs. 

“Ken? Are you ok?”

Kenma can’t think. He can’t breath. This can’t be happening. How can you do this to me after… after everything?

“Kenma! Seriously. Open the door. Please.”

Kenma has never wanted to do anything more in his life, but he can’t. He can’t breath. He can’t move. Frozen by grief. 

“Fine.”

Kenma gasps for air. He sees Kuroo drop to his knees and his head pop under the door. He reaches up, unlocks it, and pushes it open. It smacks against the wall. Kenma sobs and looks at him with as much fury as he can muster. Kenma has never felt so much pain his life. Kuroo can’t hold his gaze and drops his eyes to the floor.

Kenma’s body shakes. He wants Kuroo, he needs him. Kenma forces air into his lungs.

“Tetsurou… Hold me.”

Kuroo looks up at him with wide eyes and nods, opening his arms. Kenma dives forward and falls into them. Kuroo’s strong arms wrap around him as Kenma leans against his chest. He sobs. His fingers sink into the back of Kuroo’s shirt, holding onto him for dear life. He cries and sniffs. He feels Kuroo’s head sink onto his shoulder. Kenma is wrapped in Kuroo, his touch, his smell. An unwelcome thought floats through Kenma’s head: this could be the last time.

Kenma pulls Kuroo closer to him. I won’t let you go. Not yet.

The bathroom door creaks open. He turns his head slightly to peak through Kuroo’s arms, but Kenma already knows who it is. Kaida stands in the doorway looking at them, at Kuroo. She frowns and looks deeply hurt. She slams the door and Kenma hears her footstep retreat down the hall. Kuroo didn’t look up. His head still lies on Kenma’s shoulder and his arms wrapped securely around him. It feels like a hollow victory.


	9. 9. Affluenza

June - Eight months ago 

It's a beautiful summer evening. The air is warm, but light as the sun begins to set. Kuroo sits in the back of Kenma’s family car as they drive through a forest to Kenma’s family estate. Pale pink light seeps through hanging bows as the car wizzes through. Kuroo leans his chin on his fist and looks out the car window. Where is this place? Over the years, Kuroo had pieced together somewhat of an understanding of Kenma’s family, or so he thought. From extravagant gifts to exotic holidays, Kuroo subtly understood that Kenma came from wealth without having to ask. 

Despite coming from a well connected and supportive family, Kenma did not hold much appreciation for them. He scoffed at gifts and tried to weasel out of holidays. It was something Kuroo didn’t understand. To have a family that gave without asking anything in return, Kuroo simply did not understand. They are there for you. They support you. Why do you shy away? 

Kuroo sighs. I don’t know his situation fully, so what can I say? Kuroo looks out at the dense forest. Where the hell are we going? Kuroo leans forward in his seat and looks out the window, trying to see the end of the road. They seem to be climbing into the mountains. They left the suburbs and city some time ago, but now all Kuroo sees is wilderness. 

The car slows as a large gate with elaborate swirls of sculpted metal comes into view. A guard approaches signalling for the car to stop. Kenma’s father rolls down the window and presents something to him. The guard quickly hands it back and solutes. The gates roll open and the car proceeds through them. Kuroo looks over at Kenma in shock, but Kenma is looking out the opposite window. He’s fidgety. His knee is bouncing quickly up and down. Kuroo’s brow furrows slightly with concern, but he forces his gaze back out the window. 

Kuroo thinks back to that morning as he watches more forest whisk by on the private road. Even thinking about the morning, bring a bashful smile to Kuroo’s lips. Waking up with Kenma snuggled up against his shoulder, holding his arm, sleeping peaceful. It makes Kuroo’s fingers tingle. Kuroo woke up before Kenma’s alarm went off and couldn’t help but feel butterflies, swarms of them. He watched Kenma sleep for a bit, before brushing a strand of bleached hair from his face. Kenma moved slightly and Kuroo froze. Kenma scrunched up his nose and snuggled a little closer to Kuroo, making Kuroo smile and blush deeply. Kuroo put his hand over his mouth and continued to watch Kenma sleep peacefully. Damn, you’re so pretty. He looked up at the ceiling trying to calm this feeling.

The sharp alarm broke his reverie. Kuroo looked down at Kenma. An expression of sock and seemingly horror almost made Kuroo visibly wince. Shit. Guess it’s just me then. Kuroo quickly turned off the alarm and headed into the bathroom before he made things more weird.

In the car, Kuroo looks back at Kenma, his knee still bouncing frantically. Kuroo swallows as he tries to think of a way to comfort Kenma, but he only finds silence. The car slows and stops in front of the estate. Kuroo peaks out the window and his jaw drops. A huge sprawling compound of buildings lays out before them. Perfectly manicured foliage lines the pathways. Even a karesansui garden sits just beyond a gate next to the main structure. 

Before Kuroo can fully take in the view before him, an attendant opens the door for him. Kuroo thanks the man and steps out of the car nervously, trying his best to straighten out his wrinkled old suit. Kuroo jogs over to Kenma who is walking towards the estate. Tea lights glint along the tight granite gravel drive creating a pathway to a courtyard. The courtyard is draped in blooming wisteria, with candles and lanterns hanging from its branches. The sight is breathtakingly romantic. Kuroo can’t help but flush slightly. 

Kuroo hisses in Kenma’s ear, “Ken, what the fuck?”

Kenma raises his eyebrows with confusion.

“This place,” Kuroo’s gaze jumps around nervously, “it’s insane.”

Kenma chuckles as they continue to walk, “I told you it was nice.”

“Nice doesn’t cover it.” Kuroo trails off as they approach the courtyard. A large number of people are gathered. Attendants weave in and out carrying glass of champagne and delicate canapes. Everyone is dressed exquisitely, in both traditional and western garb. It's a kind of subtle extravagance. At first, it looks simple, but, upon closer inspection, the quality and casual luxury becomes apparent. Kuroo begins to chew on his lips nervously because he doesn’t even have a tie, as gemstones and silks shimmer in the soft light. He tries to press the wrinkles out of his worn suit with his fingers. 

“THIS is a little get together with your family?”

Kuroo looks at Kenma with disbelief, as Kenma takes two glasses of champagne from a passing attendant and hands one to Kuroo. Kenma smiles and opens his mouth to speak, but is interrupted by a cheer from the gathered individuals.

“Congratulations Kenma!”

Kenma smiles beautifully and holds his glass up to them all in gratitude. Kuroo lets himself examine the horde. When he returns his gaze to Kenma, he is no longer at his side, having been whisked away by a relative. Kuroo scans the room, nervously sipping his champagne. Damn that’s good. Kuroo practically chugs the glass, while trying to savor every drop to little avail. 

Within an instant of finishing his flute, an attendant is at his side, “Another sir?”

Kuroo jumps with surprise, “Oh, sure, thank you.”

The attendant smiles, taking his glass and replacing it with a full one. I should pace myself, Kuroo thinks to himself as he downs the new glass in seconds. He looks around for Kenma. He finds him surrounded by relatives and acquaintances in the opposite corner of the courtyard. Kuroo feels deflated and wanders over to a quiet nook, with, somehow, a third glass of bubbly in his hand. 

A group of older men talk politics or business maybe beside him. With nothing better to do and feeling wholly too uncomfortable to attempt to introduce himself, Kuroo settles with eavesdropping on their conversation while making a consistent effort to sip his champagne. 

“... well there was one a Tanaka-san’s company a couple of years ago. It caused a whole scandal. A couple of shareholders drop out. Those people are just bad for business.”  
“They need to keep their personal life, well personal. Why is there such a fuss about being public with these sorts of relationships?”

“Its unacceptable, immortal behavior. It shows a fundamental lack of mortal standing,” a particularly whitehaired and beady-eyed old man chimes in. His presence is dominating. The rest of his companions immediately shut their mouths and agree when he speaks. 

“A man with a man. I won’t stand for it.”

Kuroo nervously gulps down the rest of his drink. Fuck. Who is this guy? 

The old man is wearing a plain black suit and, besides somehow being linked to Kenma’s family, Kuroo helplessly ponders his identity. 

Kuroo scans the crowd for Kenma, hoping his familiar face will calm him for the particularly disgusting conversation he was accidentally privy to. Across the courtyard, Kuroo sees Kenma. Kuroo can’t help but smile to himself. You look so beautiful tonight. Kenma’s hair is half tied back in an elegantly messy knot, the rest falls to his shoulders with casual grace. His suit fits him perfectly, hugging snuggly every part it should. Kuroo feels lost in the sea of affluence, unsuccessfully trying to swim, but Kenma seems to be sailing smoothly through. I guess this is his family. Kuroo sips his drink only to find it empty, while watching Kenma sweetly smile and add something that elicits quite a laugh from his captive audience. I’ve never seen this side of Kenma. He seems so like he was born for this… Kuroo’s heart begins to hurt as he continues to look at his friend, delicately swirling, smelling, and sipping a deep red wine. Kuroo has to look away before his thoughts take him somewhere that is explicitly forbidden. Kuroo looks down at his empty champagne flute hoping for another. 

“Excuse me. I don’t believe we have been introduced,” Kuroo looks up with surprise from his now empty glass. An older woman saunters up next to him. Her hair is coiffed into a very big late 80s style. She uncrosses her arms and extends a hand with deep burgundy nails. Kuroo smiles fakely and shakes it. 

“And who might you be?”

Kuroo clears his throat, “Kuroo Tetsurou. I’m a friend of Kenma’s… Kozume Kenma.”

“Oh, how lovely! You must be from his volleyball team. So tall.”

She takes a sip of red wine, expectantly waiting for more conversation. 

Kuroo swallows, “Uh yeah, we played when we were in school together.”

“Oh? And do you still play?”

“Uh, yes ma’am. I go to UJNT now and play for their team.”

“Well that’s exciting. You must be so strong.”

The older woman reaches out and runs her hand down Kuroo’s arm. Kuroo scans the room for Kenma, hoping to send some kind of signal for escape. Kenma is nowhere to be seen. 

“Uh, I guess. We practice a lot.”

She takes a step closer. Kuroo gets a whiff of her perfume and it reminds him of the scent his grandmother uses. He begins to panic slightly, trying desperately to think of a way to escape.

Kuroo feels someone near his opposite arm. He jumps slightly as a person appears at his side. 

“Excuse me, Saito-san. I must steal my charming friend away from you,” Kenma purrs, protectively gripping Kuroo’s arm. Kenma bows and Kuroo does briefly, before Kenma pulls Kuroo away from the older woman and out of his corner. His hand remains firmly wrapped around Kuroo’s arm, comforting him and grounding him. 

“Sorry, I got swept away,” Kenma mumbles irritably.

Kuroo looks down at the hand still protectively wrapped around his arm with a smile.

“It’s ok. It’s your family.”

Kenma squeezes his arm tighter and takes a big swig of wine. A slight blush has spread across Kenma’s cheeks. 

“You are more like family to me than most of the people here,” Kenma whispers aggressively, “Too many people,” Kenma mutters to himself, drinking more wine.  
Kuroo wants to grab Kenma by the hand and lead him away from the courtyard, maybe somewhere quiet in the beautiful gardens. Kuroo wants to… 

“Hey, I’m feeling suffocated from all the ‘love’,” Kenma does air quotes, “let’s walk a little.”

Kuroo freezes slightly, but nods in agreement. Can he read my mind?

“Thank you,” Kenma breathes in relief.

Kuroo follows Kenma away from the chatter of the gathering into a winding tea-candle lit garden. It seems to be an English inspired maze of hedgerows. Kuroo follows behind Kenma as they wind deeper and deeper into the mass of leafy, green foliage. The soft lighting continues with them. Kenma seems to glow in the gentle light. His eyes shine with their reflection and his expression takes on a drunkenly relaxed look. Kenma stops suddenly and plops down on a stone bench. He squints up at Kuroo for a second before patting the stop next to him, inviting Kuroo to sit. 

Kuroo sits down slowly. His shoulder presses against Kenma’s on the tiny bench. Kenma feels so warm pressed against him. It reminds him of this morning. Kuroo’s stomach contracts trying to suppress the swarms of butterflies. The champagne is not helping with this feeling at all. 

“How long are you staying?”

Kuroo looks over a Kenma, slouching next to him on the tiny bench.

“A couple weeks probably. I have to be back by August. And then you’ll move in during September?”

Kenma nods, “Hinata and I are rooming together.”

“Oh no way. That’ll be fun.”

Kenma fidgets a bit next to him. Kuroo gulps, taking it as a sign Kenma doesn’t want to be near him and scoots over a tad. Their shoulders no longer touch. Kuroo’s shoulder feels cold and he shivers a bit despite the warm evening air. They sit in silence for a bit, immersed in awkwardness among the tea candles and shrubs. It's so romantic. Kuroo’s heart begins to quicken its pace a bit. If there was a time to say what he is feeling, it would be now. Among the candle lights on a beautiful evening with a promise of a future together. 

“Hey, I-”

“We should-”

They both stop speaking.

“You go first,” Kuroo’s chest feels like it might burst.

Kenma clears his throat, “We should probably head back. Otherwise, they might send someone to come look for me.”

Kuroo nods.

“What were you going to say?”

Kuroo panics, “Oh, uh just that we should probably head back. Don’t want to worry you mom or anything.”

Kenma nods and gets up. Kuroo follows him through the gardening, leaving his opportunity behind him, forcing it from his thoughts as they step out of the garden and towards the party. The bubble of voice of clink of glasses doesn’t pause for their arrival, but it doesn’t go unnoticed either.

“Kenma!” the beady-eyed old man Kuroo recognizes from earlier smiles and beacons to Kenma. 

Kenma sees him and smiles. Kuroo hesitates, but Kenma pulls him along. 

“Come here my boy!”

The older gentleman claps Kenma on the shoulder smiling broadly.

“Hi Grandpa.”

Oh shit.

“We’re so proud of you, Kenma.” the man beams at his grandson, “And who’s this?” he adds, looking up at Kuroo.

Kenma smiles up at Kuroo, alleviating some of the nerves he feels, “This is my friend, Kuroo Tetsurou.”

Kuroo bows and the old man chuckles.

“I remember you.” He points a boney finger at Kuroo, “The volleyball influences.”

Kuroo smiles, “It’s a pleasure to meet you.”

“Are you still playing?” the old man inquires.

“Yes sir. At UJNT. This coming year will be my second.”

“Oh!” the man looks over to Kenma, a hand still protectively on Kenma’s shoulder, “Where Kenma is off to this year as well. I’m glad he’ll have a friend.”

Kenma’s grandfather continues to introduce Kenma to the group surrounding them. Kenma’s hand drops from Kuroo’s arm, leaving his bicep tingling and still longing for more. Kenma makes polite conversation and little quips with the older men. He smiles and listens.

Kuroo’s mind begins to drift as he lingers on the edge of the conversation he isn’t included in. He’s Kenma’s grandfather? Kuroo takes a shuddering breath as the implications of the conversation he heard begin to take form in his mind. His heart falters and sinks into a void of despair. Even if Kenma did reciprocate my feelings, we couldn’t… I couldn’t. Family comes first. Kuroo makes a promise to himself, to put his feelings aside and not be the one to rip a hole in the person he loves’ family. 

Kuroo downs his newly refreshed glass of champagne, the warm, intoxicated feeling spreading through his body. Kuroo feels helpless and just watches Kenma, now further away than ever though only air divides them. At first Kuroo had thought Kenma had integrated seamlessly with the affluence, but now Kuroo wonders if that is not the case.  
Kenma looks uncomfortable, his laugh forced and his smile fake. He continually adjusts his hair. The same strand of hair gets tucked and untucked behind an ear. Kenma picks at his nails, ripping tiny flecks of skin from his fingers. His foot taps.

Kuroo continues to feel horrible and wallow. I can’t help you. I don’t know how. He sits outside of it all, a mere viewer. However, he sees it all unfold before him, a far-away, unknown world, with unexpected company. Desperately, Kuroo wants to enjoy being on the outside with someone else this time. But, he can’t. This isn’t his world or his family to interfere with. As much as he has chosen for Kenma to be his family, he is not willing for Kenma to have to choose between him and those he is connected to by blood—but Kuroo never had that option. Bloodlines for Kuroo never held much strength. Nothing more than shared DNA. 

Kuroo remembers when they were kids. Kenma would take his hand and hold it, squeezing it lightly whenever he got nervous, comforting him. Kuroo wishes he could do that for his friend now, but Kuroo is frozen by the comments from Kenma’s grandfather. He can only watch. 

Kuroo sinks into his own mind, hiding his love, putting it in a box and stuffing it away. I can’t tell him. He can’t know. Kenma continues to chat with the group of old men, but Kuroo feels his hands return to his arm. It sends a shock through Kuroo’s body. His fingers tingle. Kenma stands in front of Kuroo, real and tangible. There can be no boxing him away.


	10. 10. Little League

Almost ten years ago

The bell rings loudly, dismissing class. Kenma hops out of his seat and runs for the door with the throng of his other classmates, leaving the colorfully decorated classroom walls.

“Walk please!” their teacher calls after them.

The group slows to a walk, each step quickening with excitement. As a group, they giggle and file down the corridor to the large yard in the center of the school for break. Kenma looks up at the posters on the walls from the upcoming school festival and wonders, what should I do? Maybe I’ll see Kuroo. He’s not in my class though. Stopping at his cubby and thinking about what recess might hold for him, Kenma changes shoes before running outside with the other children. Kenma looks across the yard for a familiar face. He sees a friend, Yumiko, sitting under a big tree in the far corner of the play yard. Kenma skips over to her. He plops down with a huff in the patchy grass and dirt in the shade under the sprawling limbs of the tree next to Yumiko. Kenma smiles and pipes up.

“Hi Yumiko!”

“Hi Kenma! Do you want to play cats?”

Kenma nods, “yeah!”

Yumiko meows and pretends to lick a paw to clean her whiskers. Kenma chuckles and purrs back. Kenma likes playing with Yumiko, but wishes more friends would come. He looks over the yard for Takeda and Yoshi, but he notices a rather lost looking friend instead. Kuroo stands, almost hunched over in the center of the yard. He leans against a large concrete planter with lanky rose bushes. He watches other children play around him sadly, but doesn’t join. Kenma turns to Yumiko.

“I’ll be right back,” Kenma tells Yumiko who meows with approval. 

Kenma clambers to his feet and skips over to Kuroo who is aimlessly pacing around the yard by a large planter. Kenma bounds up to Kuroo with enthusiasm. Since the boy had moved in next door, Kenma has been thrilled to have him as a friend. He is so shy he usually agrees to play whatever Kenma wants and he laughs at all Kenma’s jokes. Kuroo makes him feel special.

“Hi, Kuroo!”

Kuroo looks up shyly and smiles sadly, “Hi, Kenma” he whispers. Kenma beacons. 

“Come on! I’m playing cats with Yumiko.”

Kuroo makes no effort to move. Kenma sighs dramatically and takes Kuroo’s hand. He drags the limp child along after him to the large tree in the corner. Kenma sits down next to Yumiko and Takeda, who has just joined the party. They both meow loudly. Kenma meows back and pretends to knead the ground with his paws. Kuroo stands awkwardly by the tree and picks at the bark, half watching them and half watching a group of kids playing with a volleyball on the other side of the yard. Kenma looks about for Kuroo and notices he is not joining in their game. He sighs and stands up next to Kuroo.

“You don’t want to play cats, do you?”

Kuroo shakes his head and looks at the ground pathetically.

“That’s ok,” Kenma tries to comfort him, “but you can’t just stand there.” He folds his arms and thinks. You must be a little nervous. Kenma ponders what his new friend likes to play. 

“Do you want to play volleyball?”

Kuroo looks up at Kenma. A little smile spreads over his face. Kenma grins and snatches up Kuroo’s hand. Kenma runs across the yard, dragging Kuroo after him. Kuroo stops suddenly at the edge of the field where the kids are playing. He pulls his hand out of Kenma’s grip. Kenma skitters to a stop. Kuroo sniffs loudly. Kenma turns around in surprise to find the boy looking at the ground, arms wrapped protectively around his middle. Kenma feels confused and bends over to look at Kuroo’s face under his bangs. The other boy has tears running down his cheeks.

“Don’t cry Kuroo. It’ll be ok. I promise. It's ok to be scared, but I’ll be there.”

Kenma gives Kuroo a big hug. Kuroo sniffs and wipes his nose on his sleeve.

Kenma giggles, “Ew! Gross!”

Kuroo laughs a little. 

Kenma picks up Kuroo’s hand again, holding it tighter this time, and walks with him over to the kids playing with the volleyball. Kuroo clumsily walks next to Kenma, still sniffling. As they approach the group, Kenma squeezes Kuroo’s hand. Kenma smiles and waves to the kids.

“This is Kuroo. He’s new. Can we play too?”

The kids smile and wave back.

“Hi Kuroo!” 

“It's nice to meet you!”

“Do you like volleyball?”

Kuroo nods and smiles a little. Kenma pulls him into the group and lets go of his hand. They take turns clumsily passing the ball back and forth rather unsuccessfully until Kuroo gets the ball. He sends it up into a neat arc across the group. The boy across from him catches it easily. 

“Wow! Kuroo! You’re really good!”

Kuroo smiles bashfully and kicks at some dirt on the ground. 

“How did you do that?” another child asks. 

Kuroo grins, “Well, you have to hit the ball here,” Kuroo points to a spot on his forearms. The kids gather round to see. 

“Why?” one asks.

“Um, my dad says that the bump in your arm was made by god to play volleyball.”

The kids giggle and Kuroo grins wider.

“And you have to hold your hands like this too.” The kids all copy. “Don’t cross your fingers. Yeah like that. Yeah!”

Kuroo helps them adjust their grip and stance. Kuroo is smiling widely now. More kids begin to gather around him as he laughs loudly. Kenma laughs too. 

The game begins anew. Kuroo makes the first point, though it is unclear to Kenma how exactly the scoring works. He pumps his little fist with a loud “yes!” and runs around the group giving high fives to all. The children squeal and laugh.

The bell rings and the children head back to class, slightly disappointed their game has ended. Kuroo stops in front of Kenma.

“Thanks, Kenma. You’re a good friend!”

Kenma smiles and rocks back and forth on his toes and looks at the ground. He mumbles, just to Kuroo, “you too.”

Kuroo reaches down and grabs Kenma’s hand, pulling him along this time.

“We can’t be late!” 

Kenma grins as he runs along behind his friend.


	11. 11. The Story

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's a faux chapter break in the middle. I decided it would be too troll for me to make it a real break.

Present - January 

Hinata: <<< kaida dumped kuroo >>>

Kenma: <<< i thought you said you werent going to tell me anything about her >>>

Hinata: <<< do you want to hear this or not >>>

Kenma: <<< fine >>>

Hinata: <<< she waited for him after practice and totally chewed him out >>>

Hinata: <<< everyone heard it >>>

Kenma: <<< ok? what did she say??? >>>

Hinata: <<< ok, so she was like you obviously have feelings for someone else and it was shitty of you to string me along but it's even shittier to leave the person you are obviously in love with like you did >>>

Hinata: <<< then she said you need to apologize to him before you lose him forever >>>

Hinata: <<< yeah basically >>>

Read 11:49

Hinata: <<< are you ok? >>>

Kenma: <<< this is a lot >>>

Hinata: <<< i know but i thought you should know >>>

Kenma: <<< thank you <3 >>>

Hinata loved a message

Kenma looks at his last message from Kuroo.

Kuroo liked a message.

It's becoming a problem, and Kenma knows it. He closes his phone and drops it on the chaise lounge. He crosses his arms and stares across the white sand beach to the turquoise water. He adjusts his sun glasses and wonders what the fuck was that last quarter. What the hell happened? He chews on his lip and tries not to think about Kuroo. He tries not to pick at his newly formed scab.

“Another drink, sir.”

Kenma looks up at the attendant handing him something: fruity, ice-blended, and alcoholic. Kenma accepts it with a nod and the man takes an empty cup away. Kenma sucks on the straw as he sweats in the tropical heat. A gentle breeze cuts through the humidity, cooling him and rustling the fronds of palm trees over head. Lulled into relaxation by the sun, the waves, and the drink, Kenma resigns himself to the fact he has to talk to Kuroo. It's all or nothing. This cut has to heal. It can’t bleed forever. 

Kenma does the things he has avoided for weeks. 

Kenma: <<< hey >>>

delivered 

Kuroo is typing

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kenma: <<< hey >>>

Kuroo: <<< hi! are you home for break? >>>

Kenma: <<< no lol im in bali >>>

Kuroo: <<< what?????? >>>

Kenma: <<< ill send a pic >>>

Kuroo loved an image

Kuroo: <<< wow jealous ngl >>>

Kenma laughed at a message

Kenma: <<< yeah its incredible here >>>

Kenma: <<< nonstop drinks and beach >>>

Kuroo laughed at a message

Kenma: <<< are you staying at school >>>

Kuroo: <<< yeah, i didnt want to go home this year >>>

Kenma: <<< that sucks >>>

Kenma: <<< im sorry >>>

Kuroo: <<< thanks >>>

Kuroo: <<< ill get drunk on new years and pretend im on the beach lol >>>

Kenma disliked a message

Kenma: <<< dont be alone plz >>>

Kuroo: <<< no promises >>>

Kenma feels groggy after his long flight as the door to his dorm room clicks shut behind him. The room is a pale gray. He drops his bags and walks across his room. He looks out the window of his dorm across the city. The sun set and the sky is soft lilac. Lights shimmer softly from buildings and cars, street lamps and signs. They flash bright white on their soft gray backdrop. Kenma sighs as he leans across the window sill. He watches dark grey clouds float across the lavender sky and disappear behind the dark shapes of mountains. The room is dark which devoid it of color. Kenma looks down at his hands. They look dead and lifeless, created just to die in shades of darkness.

The confidence from warm sun, white sand, and daiquiris is gone. An almost twenty hour plane ride later, Kenma stands alone in tones of grey. He picked at his feelings for Kuroo when he couldn’t sleep on the plane and now feels himself bleeding out. Kenma is jetlagged, but doesn’t feel like sleeping. Sleep won’t help him now. He logs onto his computer and selects a game to avoid thinking about the internal bleeding. If I can’t sleep, I might as well be productive. 

Messages from Kuroo, left unread, weigh on Kenma’s mind. He tries to evade them like the enemy combatants in his game. The clicking of his mouse and the flash of the screen soon lures his thoughts away from the bleeding gash.

Beep. Beep. Beep.

Kenma blinks his eyes open sleepily and stares at the bed above him. The tones of his alarm continue to sound as he just lays. He hears Hinata stir on the other side of the room. He sighs frustrated to be awake and shuts off the irritating noise. He sits up and just stares at the floor, feeling absolutely livid with the world for disturbing his slumber. He gave himself five minutes to get ready for class today. Kenma stands and aggressively pulls some clothes on, popping a piece of gum into his mouth. He feels nervous and on edge. For what? Kenma knows the reason, but doesn’t want to admit it to himself right now. He checks to see if Hinata is awake, peaking over the edge of his loft bed. Hinata is completely asleep again. A little drool clinging to his cheek. Kenma smiles a little and begins packing his bag as quietly as he can. His phone buzzes. He checks it immediately with franticness.

Kuroo: <<< im outside. im walking you to class >>>

Kenma freezes. He looks over to the door. He can see the shadow of two feet on the other side of it. How did he know?... Hinata. Kenma glares at the sleeping perpetrator and texts him with fury. He’ll know Kenma’s anger when he wakes up.

Kenma: <<< what the actual fuck >>>

Kenma contemplates not going to class, but he can’t miss class. It's mandatory attendance and it's the first day of class, but he can't be with Kuroo right now.

“Ken! You don’t want to be late.” The muffled yell makes Kenma jump. It really is Kuroo on the other side of that door. Hinata rolls over in his bunk. Kenma doesn’t have time to parse through the tangled ball of feelings. He takes a deep breath, slips on his shoes, grabs his backpack, and opens the door. 

“Hey, Ken! Ready to go?”

Kenma glares at Kuroo, “This doesn’t mean I have to talk to you.”

“Suit yourself.”

They walk in silence. Kenma’s scab, at this point open wound, bleeds with Kuroo next to him. They head down the flights of stairs to the crowded sidewalk. Happy voices greet each other after break. Groups of friends crowd together and walk to class. They continue in silence. Kenma feels like he’s melting. The crowd continues to grow and expand to form the silent march to classes. Kenma chews on his lip and looks over at Kuroo. His eyes look sad. Their usual devilish flare is absent. Kenma looks down at the ground. 

They arrive at Kenma's lecture hall and it feels too soon. Kenma’s heart aches as Kuroo turns to leave.

“I’ll see you later Ken!”

Kenma smiles and waves, despite his own protests. He sees Kuroo smirk a little and shake his head. Kenma sighs and slums into a seat, dropping his bag to the ground. I can’t give in that easily, Kuroo. I’m still so hurt, but I miss you so much and you tried. You actually tried. He takes out his laptop and adds nonsensical notes. 

It's a good thing that today is syllabus day because Kenma remembers nothing after the lecture. Kenma feels so much. While the professor drones about attendance policies, the harms of academic dishonesty, and late work, Kenma thinks about Kuroo. He’s hurt that Kuroo did that and that he, Kenma, did nothing to stop him. I didn’t tell you I cared either. We suck at this, Kuroo. But right now, Kenma is mostly mad. He’s mad at Kuroo for last quarter, for Kaida, for everything. He needs to know why. When the professor dismisses the lecture, he storms out of the hall and through the mass of meandering students. He yanks out his phone and calls Kuroo. The phone rings as Kenma storms up the hill towards the dorms. 

“Hey.”

“Where are you?”

“Um, studying in my room. What’s up?”

“Don’t go anywhere. I’m coming over.”

“Sure -”

Kenma ends the call and stuffs his phone in his pocket. What the fuck, Tetsu? He marches up the steadily steepening incline to his and Kuroo’s building. He’s out of breath and sweating by the time he crowds into an elevator. He pushes through people and presses the button for Kuroo’s floor. The elevator stops a couple times before he gets out. He stomps down the hall and knocks on Kuroo’s door aggressively. He knuckles sting a little after.

Kuroo opens the door with a smile. Kenma glares at him and pushes past Kuroo into the room.

“Stop smiling, asshole.”

Kenma kicks off his shoes, drops his backpack and sits on Kuroo’s bed, folding his arms. Kuroo stops smiling and drags his desk chair over. He puts it in front of Kenma. He sits hesitantly.

“What’s up, Ken?”

“Oh drop the act. I can’t do it anymore, Tetsu. You really hurt me. You fucked me up last quarter. What the hell?”

Kenma feels tears start to pinch his eyes. He can’t look at Kuroo anymore. He looks up at the ceiling.

“After the summer,” Kenma continues more softly, “I thought things would be one way and they weren’t. I… thought we’d be together. I loved you, and I thought you felt the same and then you pulled all that bullshit.” Kenma looks up at Kuroo, but Kuroo is no longer looking at him. He’s looking down at his hands. Kenma forces himself to focus.  
“So what? Why, Tetsu?” Kenma hiccups a little as tears start to stream from his face, “Did you not love me like I loved you? Why? I need to know. Please,” Kenma’s voice shakes.  
Kuroo gulps slowly. Kenma watches tears begin to roll from his eyes. It streaks down his cheeks and falls slowly onto his lap as he keeps looking down.

Kenma groans with frustration, “Are you going to say anything?”

Kuroo looks up at him. He opens his mouth and his bottom lip quivers, “I’m so sorry, Ken. I thought it would be better for you if we weren’t together.”

Kenma is shocked, “How? Literally how?” His voice is audibly exasperated. 

Kuroo wipes his tears away on the sleeves of his sweater, that sweater. He takes a shaky breath, “Do you remember that thing at your grandparents we went to?”

Kenma nods.

“Well,” Kuroo continues, “your grandfather said some… things about you know, um…” Kuroo trails off, but Kenma knows what he means.

“Yeah he’s super homophobic. So?” Kenma says dismissively.

Kuroo looks up at him with disbelief, “So! I can’t come between you and your family. They love you.”

Kenma pinches his brow and looks back at Kuroo, “If being gay would stop them from loving me, then they don’t really love me.”

“But they’re there for you.” Kuroo looks incredulously at Kenma, “My family isn’t there for me, Ken. I can’t go home anymore, Kenma. My dad found out about us and I…,” Kuroo’s voice fades out and Kenma is frozen, “I never had someone, anyone who would be there for me like that, be proud of me like that.” Kuroo gestures limply into space, “Kenma, I can’t be that thing that pulls you away from them. I thought that… I don’t know what I thought, but I can’t do that to you. I can’t,” Kuroo’s voice fades away. He bends over and a sob escapes from his throat. 

A tear runs down Kenma’s cheek. What do I do? Tetsu, what do I say? 

“I…” another tear, “I didn’t know Tetsu.”

Kenma stands up and wraps his arms around Kuroo’s neck.

“Why didn’t you tell me?”

Kuroo shakes with sobs. His arms slowly wrap around Kenma, holding him closer. His fingers grip Kenma's shirt and Kenma holds him tighter.

“I’m sorry, Ken. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know what to do. I was just so scared. I didn’t want you to...” Kuroo can’t finish his sentence and cries harder, but Kenma knows what he means: lose your family too. 

“Tetsu, it's ok.”

Kenma kneels on the floor in front of him, wipes tears from Kuroo’s cheeks. 

“Look at me,” Kuroo sniffs and looks up at Kenma. Kenma places his hands on Kuroo’s cheeks and he smiles through his own tears, “I still love you.”

Kuroo hiccups and more tears spill from his eyes. His face seems to be contorted with pain. Kenma brushes the tears away with his thumbs, “Do you still love me?”

Kuroo nods, “Of course I love you.”

Kenma’s heart flutters in his chest. Kenma leans up and kisses Kuroo’s forehead. 

“Then we’ll figure it out. Together. You make me so happy. We don’t have to tell anyone if you’re not ready. I know shit is hard, but that’s just the way the world works.” Kenma takes a shaky breath and looks deep into Kuroo’s eyes, “But, but if I have you, I can weather anything.”

Kuroo nods and pulls Kenma to him. Kenma leans into his touch, “I’m so sorry, Ken.”

“Shhh. I know and I forgive you,” Kenma pauses, “but I don’t want to hear your sorry anymore. I need you to tell me what’s going on for you and I know I need to do better with that too.”

Kuroo nods against Kenma’s shoulder, “I missed you, Ken.”

“I missed you too, asshole.”

Kuroo laughs and kisses Kenma.

“We’ll get through this together.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading! I hope you don't feel nearly as angsty as I do!
> 
> Epilogue to come. It's still in the works, so stay tuned if you're curious what will happen to our boys.

**Author's Note:**

> Anyone else struggling to come out irl?


End file.
